Guilt + Grief: Is Experiencing Joy Again A Betrayal of My Baby?
The weight of grief that comes from the loss of a child is a tremendously heavy burden to carry. For many Hope Moms, that weight is compounded by the additional burden of guilt. In this series, we seek to gently guide the grieving mother to the foot of the cross to exchange this burden of guilt for the peace, assurance, and forgiveness that is found in Christ.
My husband and I exchanged glances as we piled the last few pool toys in the car. It was time. Packed to the brim, we were headed out of town for our first family-of-four getaway. Multiple stops for drinks and ice cream along the way resulted in smiles that stretched across my daughters’ faces from ear-to-ear.
After six hours in the car, we arrived at our destination. A visit to the beach, a waterpark, a playground, and hours spent swimming in the backyard of our rental, that long weekend felt like heaven. It all felt like heaven. Hearing my daughters giggle with watermelon juice running down their faces is a picture in my mind I will never forget. A vacation with children ages one and three was no easy feat. Yet, it felt glorious. We read books, sang songs, watched movies, licked popsicles, and enjoyed hours upon hours of water play while the radio blared in the background. The only emotion sparked from those three days was pure joy. Complete, undeniable joy.
It wasn’t until we were an hour into our return trip home that my feelings of joy took a sharp turn toward guilt. With each mile marker passed, another tear filled my eye. Why this feeling of sadness? And then it hit me. For three days I felt no sorrow. For three days I felt no anger. For three days I felt like myself. For three days I experienced continual happiness and thankfulness for simply being present with my husband and two living daughters. We made memories, and they were wonderful.
Wonderful? Who am I to describe this time of life as wonderful? It’s only been four months since we buried Chance. He is gone, and I just enjoyed three days straight of pure delight. How in the world would this make him feel? What kind of mother am I? Does he feel left behind, forgotten?
This experience of joy-turned-to-guilt in grief, pushed me to dig further into God’s Word for direction and guidance. I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to investigate what God says about joy after pain, loss, and heartache. Because while I felt a deep sense of betrayal to my son, I deeply craved more of that vacation joy.
In His kindness, the Lord lead me to the following truths:
Psalm 30:11-12 states, “You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.”
It hit me. Our little family getaway? It was the promise of Psalm 30 lived out in real time. Four months prior I could hardly clear my eyes of tears. The sorrow felt insurmountable. Yet, that trip to South Padre Island felt like a dance party for my heart. Pure joy is the only way to describe it.
Further, isn’t experiencing the promise of Psalm 30:11-12 in the here and now what God, and Chance, want for me? Isn’t this what the Father wants for you? Chance, who is walking with his Savior and experiencing eternal joy must want his Mama to experience this same joy of the Lord, as much as earthly possible, until we are reunited, no?
This weight, this guilt in grief, began to slowly lift, and I began to realize that experiencing joy again was not a betrayal of Chance. In contrast, joy helps fill the gap, until we are reunited once again. Anxiety from the conflicting emotions started to fade. And in the fade, the Lord brought several other promises to mind.
“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19
“May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
The gift in allowing ourselves to feel the joy? It is in this joy that we begin to overflow with hope. And hope does not disappoint us, dear sisters. Hope is what keeps us moving forward in faith and trust. Hope is what keeps our eyes focused on heaven, even as we ride the waves of grief.
Let’s commit to taking any guilt we feel and laying it at the foot of the cross. Then, let’s ask the Father, in His kindness, to give us real time moments of joy. Let’s watch with eyes wide open as He answers our prayer in unexpected ways. His answer might come in the form of a sticky-faced toddler, the rolling waves of the ocean, the laugh of a good friend, or a delicious meal shared with neighbors on the back porch. The joy might come in a hot cup of tea or waking early to meet the sunrise. Embrace the joy and feel the hope. Experiencing joy is not betrayal, sweet Hope Mommies, but a beautiful gift of heaven from God, Himself.
- Brittnie
Hope Mom to Baby A and Chance Michael
Brittnie lives in Sugar Land, Texas and enjoys writing on her blog and other outlets, baking, lingering coffee dates, and soaking in moments with her family. She is a wife to Brandon and a mom to Clara, Camille, and Hope Mom to Baby A (Clara’s twin) and Chance. Psalm 62:1-2 is her go to verse when she needs quick encouragement. She is author of Desert Song, and you can visit with Brittnie at her personal blog, A Joy Renewed, where she shares her faith and family, and encourages her readers to claim joy despite circumstance.
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