Guilt + Grief: Could My Loss Have Been Prevented?

The weight of grief that comes from the loss of a child is a tremendously heavy burden to carry. For many Hope Moms, that weight is compounded by the additional burden of guilt. In this series, we seek to gently guide the grieving mother to the foot of the cross to exchange this burden of guilt for the peace, assurance, and forgiveness that is found in Christ.

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Could I have done something to prevent this loss?

Did I do something to cause her death?

These questions haunted me after the death of my daughter, Isabelle. I went into labor with her at 39 weeks and wanted to labor at home as long as possible, so my midwife suggested I stay home until contractions where two or three minutes apart as long as I was comfortable. When I started having regular contractions three minutes apart very quickly after just having them 10 minutes apart, I thought I needed to wait some time to make sure they were regular. I did not go into the hospital until I started irregularly bleeding, about 15 minutes after active labor began. 

The nurse in triage asked me if she was moving, and I thought it was a good thing that I had felt my daughter move on the way to the hospital. They rushed me to a room to deliver because I was already 9cm dilated, and I never said a word unless they asked me a question. I remained quiet and struggled to breathe through my contractions because I wanted the medical staff to do their jobs without me hindering them. Isabelle’s heart rate dropped enough that they rushed me into an emergency c-section. I eventually woke up and found out that Isabelle was born without a pulse, and it took 22 minutes to revive her. She died the next day due to brain damage caused by a lack of oxygen.

I later learned that I had experienced a placental abruption, which meant Isabelle was struggling to get oxygen while in the womb. As we drove the ten minutes to the hospital, what I thought were normal kicks was really my daughter struggling because she was dying. The thought of her struggling while I was oblivious still makes me cry. I wrestled with guilt for months. I asked myself why I didn’t leave sooner, or why I didn’t yell at the doctor to just give me a c-section instead of waiting to see if I could deliver naturally. 

She was born 25 minutes after arriving at the hospital. I felt like I could have prevented her death if I had only done something different. I ran through every single detail leading up to her birth. What if I didn’t try to put myself into labor? Would they have caught something if I went in right after my first contraction? The list of questions I asked was huge and burdensome. Losing a child is already such a heavy burden by itself, but then I kept thinking I did something to cause it, or I didn’t do something to prevent it.

It was my husband who reminded me to remember God’s sovereignty, love, kindness, and mercy. He reminded me that God numbered Isabelle’s days, and He lovingly created her to live nine months in the womb and 30 hours outside of my body. The Bible is very clear that God is in control of both life and death. In her prayer, Hannah says, “The Lord kills and brings to life; He brings down to Sheol and raises up” (1 Samuel 2:6).

All throughout the Bible, we see a picture of God’s sovereignty over both life and death.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!”
Psalm 139-13-17

“Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with you, and you have appointed his limits that he cannot pass.”
Job 14:5

I kept coming back to these verses after losing Isabelle, because I needed to be reminded that God was sovereign over her life and her death.

In the months following Isabelle’s death, I learned to take great comfort in God’s goodness and sovereignty. I can now say that God was in control of her life and death, and I could not have prevented either. I am thankful He is in control and rest in the fact that He is always good. God is not a mean puppet-master who takes our children. Instead, He is a loving, kind Father who has given us much more than we could ever deserve. As sinners, we deserve death and hell. Instead, He has given us Himself through Jesus Christ. In His mercy, He has saved us and made us righteous through Christ. What amazing love!

Do I still struggle with Isabelle’s death? Absolutely. I miss her every single day. I often wish she were still here, but I cling to God’s character. I cling to the fact that He is in control and that the span of her life was exactly what He intended for her. He was not surprised by her death, and He did not ignore my pleas to save her. Instead, I have learned to trust God more because He is worthy of my trust and praise.

Sister, I know that trusting in God’s sovereignty does not take away the pain of losing your precious child. We can still rightfully mourn the death of our precious children while also acknowledging God sovereign purpose for them and for us. And since God is always good, this must be too—even if we have no idea how that is true this side of heaven. We can trust Him because He alone is God and there is no other (Isaiah 45), and He has already given us the greatest gift imaginable: Himself. 

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Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.

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