Five Years Later

On February 28, my two and a half year old was crying about two small marks on his knuckle and palm. I kissed his hand and reassured him that God would help to heal his ouchies and that he would be okay. I pointed out to him that one of them was already healing over and explained how God had made his body and was helping his body to heal.

On this same day, five years earlier, I had asked God to exercise the healing power that I assured my son of when I had implored Him to heal my daughter, Elayah, as she was dying. 

This was not the first time I had asked God to heal someone, and I had seen Him do it before. I had no doubt that He could, and so I asked Him to give her life, and in doing so, bring glory to Himself. 

As my daughter’s breathing and heart rate slowed, I asked Him to be her breath and give her life. We sang praises to Him over her and her levels increased. She opened her eyes and wiggled her toes. I praised God for hearing us and responding. Then she got worse again. I continued to ask for healing.

Guard her brain, Lord. Heal her from the hemorrhage. God, help her body to reabsorb that blood. You can completely heal her from this. Take the infection away, in Jesus’ name. Bring glory to Yourself, God, and keep my baby. Give her life, God. She is Yours and You know her and what she needs. Father, thank You for healing for her, in Jesus’ name.

I whispered “talitha cumi” —the words Jesus had spoken to the little girl He raised from death (Mark 5:41) —into Elayah’s ear. I leaned over her and put my hands on hers as Elijah and Elisha had when they raised two boys from death (1 Kings 17, 2 Kings 4). I sang. I prayed. I waited. 

My God spoke the universe into existence, He split seas, healed the sick, raised the dead, and conquered death itself. What was to stop Him from healing a life that He had designed and created? Nothing. I knew He could heal my daughter, and I believed He would.

But He didn’t. He didn’t heal her here. 

Even after she died, I continued to ask Him to give her life, because I knew her dying made no difference to His ability to bring her out of death. I recall sitting by myself beside her grave, days after her funeral, her tiny body buried beneath the ground. I was talking with God and held out my arms as if to hold her. 

Father, even now I know You could raise her. Would you do it, God, please? You could take her out of the dirt. You could give her life again. You could put her into my arms. 

But He didn’t. 

There are a hundred million questions as to why and why not when it comes to God’s healing. I cannot answer them. 

I will wait with eager anticipation for the day when those answers may be revealed. But for now, I do know that God knows every plan and purpose He has for Elayah’s life. He knew long before He made the world that she would only live two and a half weeks outside of my womb (Psalm 139:16), but she was important enough to Him to create. He spent time and thought designing an incredible little bodily vessel to hold her precious spirit for a finite number of treasured days, and then He welcomed her spirit home on the basis of the death and resurrection of His own Son, Jesus (John 14:6). 

I can say with honesty (now five years into this journey), that I am just as thankful for that opportunity as if He had healed her here on earth. I continue to grieve that Elayah is not here and wonder at what life would have been like, but her present fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11) is what I would have prayed for her if she was here and had lived 1, 5, 50 or 100 years on earth. It’s what I pray for her younger siblings, and it’s what I thank God for in my own promised eternal life (John 3:16). He graciously answered my prayers for Elayah thousands of years before she was born, through Jesus, and He brought them to fulfillment when her life on earth ended and her eternity with Him began. Thank you, Jesus.   

So here, five years after giving Elayah back to God, as I reassure my son that God will help to heal his ouchies and that he will be okay, God reassures me of the same. As I live with that assurance, I will continue to teach Elayah’s siblings that God can and does heal, and that they can ask Him with confidence to do so. And when He does? We will praise Him together. And if He doesn’t? We will wrestle with our questions at the feet of Jesus and praise Him together.

For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen. Romans 11:36 

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Reagan is wife to Milton and momma to their three kids. Their oldest, Elayah, was born premature and lived 2.5 weeks earthside before joining Jesus in heaven and making the anticipation of eternity even sweeter. Reagan loves making beauty out of scraps and crafting through just about any kind of art. To read Reagan’s story of becoming a Hope Mommy: https://hopemommies.org/share-your-story-saturday-reagans-story  

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