Discussions in Grief: Fear
Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series.
Anxiety and worry have been consistent struggles in my life before loss and after. It wasn’t until I experienced the profound grief of baby loss that I was able to identify the root of my anxiety as fear, and the root of my fear as a lack of trust in the Lord. In my loss, I suddenly became sensitive to the possibility that really bad things could happen to me despite my careful planning and keen awareness in life. As an intensive care unit nurse, these traits helped me save lives regularly, yet I was living the rest of my life similarly—trusting myself and my plans more than I was trusting God.
My pregnancy excitement soon turned to guarded fear as I knew the statistics of early loss. I approached eight weeks, breathing a sigh of relief each day that passed. But just days later, bright red blood changed my attitude. This was it, I thought. Exactly what I was afraid of: a miscarriage. An ultrasound the next day confirmed the opposite, and we heard a sweet beating heart.
We passed the first trimester, and again my heart became unsettled. “What if there’s something wrong with the baby?” I thought. At 14 weeks, I even wrote a letter to our little one in a baby book, expressing the terrible fear I still had. Looking back, I remember how often I spent pondering all the awful possibilities instead of focusing on my heavenly Father and enjoying the time I had with my baby. I tricked myself into believing that if I could think it up, I could prevent it or somehow avoid that situation. Despite it all, I was fairly confident my body would naturally bring a child into the world. Only two weeks later, an OBGYN looked me directly in the eyes and told me my baby wouldn’t live. My cervix was too weak to ever carry to term.
It was very obvious in those moments that in my own strength I could not reverse this situation, nor save my baby. God’s sufficiency in my weakness became a tough reality for the first time in my life, and ever so graciously, God met us with His supernatural peace despite the fate of our daughter’s life on earth. He showed me what it could be like to wholly surrender all my rights in genuine trust of His authority in my life.
Contrary to the provision of the Holy Spirit, my flesh still begged for attention— longing to be in control and cling to doubt. Fear started to creep in first. I was afraid of dying from infection or bleeding during and after delivery. I worried that my husband would die while he was at work and I’d be left alone with neither him nor my daughter. I tried to rationalize those fears away temporarily instead of choosing to trust. That is what I was used to in managing my anxiety. But, as time went on, it became clear that this was only a band-aid covering my fear and distrust. It would get me through the day avoiding paralyzing fear, but it didn’t change my heart or mind.
I didn’t know what to do with this new diagnosis, and I felt the pressure of time. So in fear, I pursued multiple opinions and frantically prayed for a miracle of healing. I was afraid that if we tried to conceive again we would lead another baby to an early death, so we decided it was best for me to have surgery to place a permanent cerclage around my cervix in order to prevent further pregnancy loss. My fear then shifted to the most extreme complications of surgery. It was a revolving door of fear.
Ironically, praying for this miracle and eventually having surgery finally started to change my perspective towards the Lord. Through my pain, He revealed the deep fears I wasn’t submitting to Him and, embarrassingly, my lack of trust. I had placed my trust in Him as my eternal Savior, yet I had forgotten to allow Him to care for my everyday fears and doubts.
Through conviction, I remembered the trust He empowered me to have through our daughter’s death, and I learned to cling to that eternal reality instead. I realized that I had programed myself to try to overcome my fears myself instead of seeking the Lord’s peace and comfort. By simply telling Him about my fears and replacing the lies with truth, God released me from the self-imposed responsibility to identify every single possible outcome and make a disaster preparedness plan for my life.
He had already gone before me in every single scenario, and the ending was always the same: He was God. I gained such freedom from fear simply by beholding His trustworthiness, faithfulness, and deliverance in exchange for the fears I had been holding on to. I wrote notecards and notebooks full of the Scripture I found about trusting Him. These are only a few:
He comforts and protects when we are afraid.
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4
He is trustworthy in all times.
“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand;”
Psalm 31:14-15
“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”
Psalm 56:3-4
He delivers from fear.
“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
Psalm 34:4
He is present in our fear.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.”
Psalm 46:1-2
He is a refuge from fear.
“..And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by.”
Psalm 57:1
He knows what you need
“…do not worry about your life… For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things…”
Matthew 6:25, 32
He overcomes fear with peace.
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
His Spirit in us empowers us to trust instead of fear.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7
He is a helper and never forsakes us.
“For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not fear. What can man do to me?’”
Hebrews 13:5-6
He cares about our fears.
“..casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7
He will redeem all your fears.
“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
What verses can you add to this list to combat fear?
I still struggle with fear and anxiety even as I write this. I’m afraid of tests that I need. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to get pregnant again, or I won’t be a good enough mom if I do. And I’m afraid every time a friend gets pregnant that something will go wrong.
The difference is, now I bring my fear straight to the Lord and tell Him first. He is my disaster preparedness plan. I know that I am not in control, so I take my thoughts captive. I learned an invaluable lesson of trust and intimacy with my Father through my battle against irrational and consuming fears. For that I am grateful.
You may find yourself struggling with these same fears. Unfortunately, it’s the nature of grief and loss. However, like the hymn says, “what a privilege it is to carry everything to God in prayer.” That is my admonition to you: simply bring your sorrows, your pain, and especially your fears to the Lord in prayer.
- Kayla
Hope Mom to Anna Joy
I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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