Discussions in Grief: Questioning

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

When I was pregnant with our daughter and she was given a fatal diagnosis, we set our hearts and minds to believing and praying for healing. In faith we prayed over her, we read and spoke Scripture over her, we gathered around us a community of prayer warriors, and we really believed God would answer our prayers.

But our baby was born with a genetic disorder that would take her life, and after seven days in our arms, Jesus tenderly took her into His. We were left with broken hearts and hard questions.

When really terrible things happen, like the loss of a child, we desperately want to know why.

Why did our baby have a genetic defect that kept her from developing properly?
Why didn’t God heal her?
Why does God allow babies to die?
Why did our baby die?
Why didn’t God answer our prayers?

For some questions, I know what the answers are NOT:

God was not punishing us.
God did not “need her more than we did.”
She was not “too perfect for earth.”
God did not “need another angel.”
God did not stop listening to our prayers.
God did not quit caring. 

For many of these questions, there are very general answers—we live in a fallen world in which sickness, defects, deformity, and death are a part of life, and God does not spare us from all of them.

But for so many of our questions there really were no answers. And I’m ok with that. I’m content to not have all the answers, because I know Jesus. I know the heart of my Savior is good, loving, and trustworthy, so I can rest in the not knowing.

Dear mama with the same broken heart, searching for answers to the most painful questions, I want you to know that you are not alone. I wish I was sitting with you over coffee and could reach across the table, take your hands in mine, look you in the eyes, and tell you what I have found to be true.

I don’t know all the answers to these hard questions, but I do know Jesus. And the truths about Him have not changed. 

I would tell you to guard your heart so that your search for answers does not redefine what you know to be true about Jesus. Our pain would suggest that Jesus doesn’t care that our hearts are broken, that He did not hear our prayers for healing, that He was unable or unwilling to act, or that He brought this upon us as an act of punishment for some past sin.

But this is not true.

This is what I know to be true of God:

He loves us deeply, and His heart is broken with our grief.
His heart is full of compassion.
He has overcome all the trouble of this world.
He is faithful and trustworthy.
He will one day right every wrong.

I would tell you to never stop praying. It’s not about praying hard enough, long enough, or often enough. God hears you. He wants you to come to Him with all your hurts and all of your questions. Don’t stop talking to Him.

In his gospel, John records two simple but profound words about Jesus that lead us straight to His compassionate heart. At the tomb of His dear friend, Lazarus, knowing what His Father was about to do, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

Jesus’ heart of compassion is deeper than we will ever know. Not simply because He has the infinite knowledge and wisdom of deity, but also because He took on Himself our grief and sorrows. Do you understand what this means, sweet mama?  Jesus carries in His heart all of your grief and all of my grief. He does this out of love for us.

“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities;
upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.” (Isa. 53:4-5)

By His wounds we are healed. This is a verse we clung to as we prayed for healing for our baby. And God answered it in the fullest sense. He healed her completely in His presence. But He did not leave me without the promise of healing for my own broken heart. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Cling to this truth: Jesus is with you. He shares your grief, weeps with you, loves you, and will heal you. In the upper room, as Jesus had one last meal with His disciples before going to the cross, He encouraged them with these words,“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Jesus is telling His disciples that we are not exempt from the troubles of this world. We are part of creation, and creation is cursed because of sin. Sin brought death into the world causing the sickness, disease, fatal disorders, and pain that are now part of life on this side of eternity.

But Jesus doesn’t end with the word “trouble.” His next words are overflowing with hope:

“Take heart! I have overcome the world.” 

Sometimes that overcoming is in the short term—healing, an answered prayer, protection from harm, a miracle. But no matter the short term outcome, Jesus has overcome the world for all eternity.

Sweet mama, this truth offers so much hope! Despite the trouble that is common to all creation, one day it will all be made right.  One day we will hold our sweet babies in our arms again, and be with them for all eternity.

The same Jesus who left heaven to walk this dusty earth beside us, who in compassion healed, fed, and loved us, who shared in our burdens and griefs, and who carried our sin to the cross, is the very same Jesus who walks beside you in your grief and catches your tears in His nail-pierced hands. 

He has not changed.

Hebrews 13 gives us two deeply comforting truths:

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” (v. 5)

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (v. 8)

Sweet mama, you can trust this Jesus with your broken heart and shattered dreams. He is right beside you in all of your grief. He will never leave your side.

If what I know to be true of Jesus seems at odds with the suggested answers to the hardest questions, I must choose what I know, even if that leaves me with no answers. There may not be specific answers to the questions I face through my pain and loss, but Jesus is everything He says He is, and He is unchanging.

Dear one, with a heart broken by grief, I want to leave you with one more truth about Jesus.  In his last book, John records these words that we read at our daughter’s memorial service,

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4)

People tell us that time heals all wounds, but that is false. Time doesn’t heal the deepest of wounds, but my Jesus does. One day there may be answers to the questions we face. But once we see Jesus face to face, and He wipes away our tears, we won’t need answers anymore. The old order of things will have passed away, we will see the face of Jesus, we will see our babies again, and everything will be made right.

Abigail is mama to her toddler daughter and to Sarabeth who went to be with Jesus seven days after her birth in January 2018.  She and her husband Chad live in Berea, KY on the family farm where they raise cattle.  In addition to being a stay-at-home-mom and teaching piano part-time, Abigail blogs on Facebook and Instagram at A Healing Gratitude where her desire is to share Sarabeth’s story in a way that highlights the goodness and love of God and how gratitude can lead to greater healing.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.