Discussion in Grief: Soul-Care

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series.

My third child and only son, Chance Michael, was born sleeping at 20 weeks gestation. At 18.5 weeks his little heart was beating, and by 20 weeks he was gone. The months following Chance’s death were some of the hardest and darkest of my life. They were months when I felt numb to the world, alone in my sadness, and bitter toward God’s gifts to others. My physical body healed within weeks, yet my mind struggled to grasp our new reality. I had never experienced true, soul-stretching grief until we lost Chance. And I can now say that grief is a very real and very strange phenomenon.

Grief will come and go in epic waves, with many possible side effects—deep sadness, a depression-like state, anxiety, inability to make even the simplest of decisions, loneliness and the urge to isolate, inability to focus properly, preoccupation with death and dying, vivid dreams, insomnia.

As I rode the waves of grief, and listened to wise women who had gone before me on this journey, I quickly realized I had to purposefully create space for my soul to breathe, to rest. If I was going to take steps towards healing and wholeness, I had to become intentional in saying “yes” to spiritual, physical, and emotional soul-care.

If this sounds selfish, spending time and energy on you, may I encourage you to look to Scripture? There, we find the implication that we are to routinely practice self-compassion:

Matthew 22:37-39 states, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (emphasis mine).

The assumption is that we care well for ourselves, and in doing so we are able to then go forth and be His hands and feet. We care for our souls so that then we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have been given (2 Corinthians 1:4). We allow ourselves the soul-care we need so that we are ready to stand up and step into another’s grief. Without idolizing ourselves (Psalm 144:3-4), we can care for ourselves in order to be able to better love others. In this way, taking care of ourselves is not selfish at all.

If you are in the midst of the grief waves but not sure how to begin caring for yourself, here are a few ideas of soul-care that are rooted in Scripture.

Spiritual Care:

I made time for prayer

While it might sound cliché, spending time alone talking to God is food for the soul. Scripture gives us many examples of Jesus leaving the noise and the crowds to spend time alone talking to His Father.

In my deep grief, I carved out time and space to pour my heart out in prayer. When I did this I noticed a feeling of oneness with God and, in return, opened my ears to hear His voice when He spoke to me through His Word. Sometimes my prayers looked like a long string of eloquent words, but more often than not they were just a few words followed by many, messy tears. And that, sweet sister, is okay. Tear stained eyes are another form of prayer lifted. One of my best recommendations is to pray the words of Scripture.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you and learn from me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-3O

I found that the more I intentionally spent time in prayer, the more I focused on God throughout my day, and I was able to more easily give God all of my heart and mind and soul. Talking to God connected me to Him. The more I spoke with Jesus the lighter I felt; I experienced a sense of refresh. For I grew to believe more in the power of Jesus to give me a light yolk and take on the heaviness of this life, which made the cares of this world did not weigh on me as they once did.

I made time for God’s Word

Another way I experienced this refreshment was by reading the Bible. God, in His good character, is One who will “refresh the weary and satisfy the faint” (Jeremiah 31:25). I knew if I believed the Word of God to be living and active, then I needed to depend upon Scripture in my grief. I am always surprised by the hope and encouragement found when I turn to God’s Word in my pain. Opening my mind to living hope was my source of life during my darkest hours.

Some days this looked like a longer reading followed by journaling or writing out Scriptures by hand. Other days it was taking one verse of Scripture and meditating on that single verse all day long. When my sadness would rise I would speak that verse and cling to its truth.

Psalm 119:105 says that God’s Word “is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” I experienced this reality, dear sisters. You can too.

I said yes to Sabbath rest

I am typically a go-go-go type of gal. I don’t rest well, and honestly, even if it appears that I am resting, my mind is usually going a mile a minute with thoughts about anything and everything. Yet, after I lost Chance, I knew I had to get serious about engaging in true rest, Sabbath rest.

The Bible gives us numerous examples of Sabbath rest and boundary setting. God created the world and then He rested on the seventh day (Genesis 2:2). In the gospel of Mark, Jesus encourages His disciples, after navigating the crowds to the point where they could not even eat, to come with Him by themselves to a quiet place to get some rest.

I began to make purposeful choices to allow myself to experience rest. I had to model the example of Jesus if I truly wanted to heal and go forth to be His hands and feet. This looked like creating space for family days, sans technology. I set aside one day a week when I left the dishes and laundry and took a walk while listening to worship music. Somedays I would take a nap or going to bed an hour earlier.

When we say yes to true rest, we are saying yes to creating space for our souls to heal and hear from the Lord.

Physical Care:

I said “yes” to moving my body

I found exercise to be a powerful form of care. For me, this was nothing intense and was as simple as a slow walk around my neighborhood. Regular exercise increased the amount of healthy endorphins in the body, which in turn allowed my stress level to decrease.

Stress is naturally heightened as one rides the waves of grief and engaging in physical activity can help alleviate some of that stress. I always enjoy the bit of mental clarity that comes after a morning walk or jog.

I did not always feel like tying up my laces, but in doing so I knew I was pursuing something of value for my body, while I sought Jesus in my soul, which is of all value (1 Timothy 4:8). While walking, I meditated on words like in Isaiah 40:31, which I so desperately needed as I grieved my loss.

“But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Can I encourage you to throw on your ear buds, press play on your favorite praise song, grab your sneakers and see what happens?

I accepted help:

Just as I am a go-go-go type of girl, I am also typically one to “handle all the things.” My inner voice usually goes like this, “Deal with it, sister, and keep going.” But when we lost Chance and my world stopped? I knew I had to let my pride go, as well as “all the things.”

I said “yes” to meal deliveries, babysitting, and house cleaning. I said “yes” when my parents offered to keep my living daughters overnight. These are just a few examples of how I accepted help in my darkest hours.

Dear sister, while you might be strong enough to do it all, you do not have to. Navigating grief takes time and energy, and these offerings are blessings to you in your healing.

By accepting help we are essentially living out the gospel. We are saying yes to the body of Christ. Scripture tells us that, “The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body . . . But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body” (1 Corinthians 12: 12, 18-20).

Is there a way you can embrace 1 Corinthians 12 and say “yes” to help that is offered?

Emotional Care:

I connected with other Hope Moms

When I lost Chance I had the privilege of connecting with a few women in real life who had also experienced pregnancy loss. While I would never wish my pain on anyone, there is something so powerful about knowing I was not alone, that someone else understood my pain. These bonds will last a life-time. Connection is one of the most precious gifts, a tangible tool we can give ourselves as we heal.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

I don’t believe that God intended any of us to live life alone. He designed us for community. It is in community that we share experiences, share in each other’s joys and sorrows, comfort with the comfort we have been given, and ultimately, help each other grow more maturely into the image of Christ.

. . .

How are you creating space for your soul to heal after loss? What soul-care practices would you add to the list?

^“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

- Brittnie

Hope Mom to Baby A and Chance Michael

Brittnie lives in Sugar Land, Texas and enjoys writing on her blog and other outlets, baking, lingering coffee dates, and soaking in moments with her family. She is a wife to Brandon and a mom to Clara, Camille, and Hope Mom to Baby A (Clara’s twin) and Chance. Psalm 62:1-2 is her go to verse when she needs quick encouragement. She is author of Desert Song, and you can visit with Brittnie at her personal blog, A Joy Renewed, where she shares her faith and family, and encourages her readers to claim joy despite circumstance.

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