Dear Odelle: A Letter to My Hope Baby

My darling,

From the moment I first knew of your existence, I have loved you more than words can say. Tears fill my eyes even now as I think of the precious gift of your life. What a tremendous privilege it is to be your mother. Though many years have passed since we were last together, you will always have my heart. Oh! Those precious days when your tiny frame was cradled within me! I can still vividly recall the wonder of watching my body begin to swell as you grew day by day, seeing you squirm about on the monitor during ultrasounds, and dreaming of the life we would share. I am forever grateful for each day we had together.

And then the terrible news. Your heart—the heart that had completely and utterly captured mine—had stilled. The days darkened. The dream shattered. The tears ran endlessly.

I couldn’t believe it was happening all over again. It had only been eight months since the loss of your brother. How would I ever be able to endure the death of another baby?

When I held you in the palm of my hands the night I delivered you, I never wanted to look away. How could I? I knew those precious moments were all we had left on this side of eternity. I desperately tried to soak up a lifetime of mothering you before the nurse carried you forever out of sight. A mother should never have to saw goodbye to her baby.

I could go on and on about the pain that seared through my heart in those moments. Agony coursed through my body like the blood in my veins, every inch of me enveloped in sorrow. But to speak only of the heartache I have felt in losing you would be a great injustice. My grief has indeed been severe and unending, but the comfort and love of the Lord has been greater still.

My dear, how can I tell of the beauty I have beheld in the presence of our Savior as I have walked this weary road? What words could I write that would truly capture the incomparable peace that has come from drawing near to the Lord? How could I ever begin to relate the work He has accomplished in my heart in the midst of this valley? He has met me in every moment with everything my aching heart has needed.

I am a better mother to your sister and brothers because of the transforming work of God in the midst of my sorrow. I cherish God’s Word and God’s people in far deeper ways because my grief has taught me to thirst for and be satisfied in the things above rather than in the temporal pleasures of this world. I have greater compassion for those around me because I have a greater understanding of the brokenness that the curse of sin has left behind. The call on my life to comfort others with the comfort I have received feels more tangible and personal than it ever did before.

I miss you. Every day I miss you. You, my sweet girl, are never far from my thoughts. What a comfort it is to know that you and I have all of eternity to make up for all the lost moments here on earth. There will be no end to the conversations we can have. The laughter we will share. The untainted joy that will be ours forever and ever. I look forward to our reunion what such great anticipation!

As much as I long to see you again, and to finally note the color of your eyes that I have only ever seen closed, I know that even this great joy will pale in comparison to the joy that will come from being in the presence of my Savior. What I only see dimly now will be clearly seen. The daily struggle in my heart against the things of the flesh will come to an end. The tears, the pain, the curse will be no more. And we will bathe forever in the light of His glory. Until that day, I will continue to fix my gaze on the beautiful inheritance that is ours in Christ, and treasure every thought of you.

All my love,

Mama