Bear Much Fruit: Love

After multiple miscarriages, I remember my raw emotions around pregnant women: bitterness about my life’s path, envy, anger towards those who complained about pregnancy symptoms, and frustration that there seemed to be no tangible answers as to why my babies were leaving so soon. Days after one miscarriage, a good friend announced that she was expecting. I still remember the shock on her face when I told her it was hard for me to be around pregnant women. While I was pregnant with my son, Thatcher, friends around me were giving birth or pregnant with perfectly healthy children. I didn’t understand why others seemed to be spared the crushing pain of losing a child and I was to endure it time and time again. I couldn’t escape my grief. It was swallowing me as I felt my unborn son still safe and kicking in my womb. I was believing Satan’s lies that sinning in my grief was acceptable and I could allow it to take hold of my life. It was a grief that minimized others’ joy in new life, grief that kept me questioning “why me,” grief that no longer allowed me to show love towards others.

As I sat at a weekend women’s retreat a few years ago, my heart was burdened by the truth in front of me:

“A new commandment I give to you that you are to love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another,”
-John 13:34-35 

I selfishly thought to myself, surely I’m not expected to do this right now. How can I pour into others when I feel like I’ve been completely drained? How can I love others when my heart is shattered and full of ugly sin? But then, as I reread those words, I realized that Jesus did not put conditions on His commandment. It was an absolute. I wasn’t given a pass because I was in the middle of suffering. By not showing love, the inverse of Jesus’ statement was true for me: by this all people will know that you are not My disciple, if you do not have love for one another. The Holy Spirit convicted me in that moment and I knew something needed to change, but how?

Two chapters later, I read the answer to my question:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing,”
-John 15:5

I wasn’t expected to accomplish this on my own. Jesus said Himself that we can do nothing without Him. He gave us the Holy Spirit which produces the fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). When we abide in God, He abides in us and His love is perfected in us, (1 John 4:12).

The definition of love can become cloudy when we are in the middle of grief. My grief brought on selfishness, envy, resentment, and a new-found level of irritability. I had become angry with people that I felt had minimized my son’s life. I was certainly not living in love.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things,”
-1 Cor 13:4-7

I needed to get back to the source of love: God, (1 John 4:7). Because God so loved us by sending His Son, we ought to love one another, (1 John 4:10-11) and God provides the ultimate definition and example of love in all our relationships. Below are a few examples to consider:

Marriage

Show grace daily to your partner. He will most likely not grieve the way you do, but he still hurts, nonetheless. When he seems to not understand your feelings, be patient with him. When he needs space, try to be understanding. Let us build our spouses up with blessings, not curses. Affirm him daily, encourage him, and pray for him without ceasing.

Friendship

Many of our friends have not experienced what we have gone through. Because of that, they have no way of understanding our emotions or needs. Love your friends by showing them grace when they don’t say the right words, or they seem distant. Fight the temptation to be envious or harbor resentment. We are to love one another with brotherly (or sisterly) affection, (Rom 12:10). Our losses enable us to have greater appreciation for life and a greater capacity for compassion. Therefore, rejoice with your friends when they rejoice, and weep with them when they weep, (Rom 12:15).

Dear sweet sister, if you can relate to any of what I experienced in my heart, let me encourage you to lean in deep to your Heavenly Father. Our babies’ lives will forever leave a painful mark on our hearts as we long for eternity with them, but let us not define ourselves by our losses. I pray that we can honor our babies’ lives by seeking deeper communion with God. Let us seek God’s truth, His will, and let us go and produce good fruit that glorifies our Father.

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Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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