Asking Why: When You Don’t Get an Answer

We all want to know WHY. 

Why me? Why this baby? Why this diagnosis? Why on this day? Why in this way? 

It’s only natural to ask why – from the time we were little we have been asking “why” to make sense of our world. So, of course we ask these questions when it comes to our greatest heartaches. In asking this question, we are trying to wrap our minds around something that was never meant to be–death. 

Last week I described how God put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11); when we encounter the opposite of eternity (death) it not only breaks our hearts, it breaks our brains, too.

What I’ve learned about asking “why” (to the hard things) is that it is usually not a helpful question. Mainly because we often don’t get an answer; even if we do, we probably won’t be satisfied with it. The hard thing has still happened and won’t be undone on this side of heaven.

One of my biggest “why” moments came during a review of William’s autopsy report. We discovered that William had been without sufficient oxygen for at least a few weeks in utero, and this is what led to his fatal organ failure and blood toxicity.

While this report gave us more information, it didn’t fulfill my deepest desire: to have William back. 

I left this meeting with even more questions: How did this insufficient oxygen thing happen? We did all the extra testing, why didn’t we see this? Why did I not know this was going on? 

Later that week I met with a fellow Hope Mom and relayed the autopsy results. I then asked her, “Why did I not know William was going through this? We could have delivered him early and taken care of him in a NICU.” 

My sweet friend looked at me kindly and gently said: “If God had wanted you to know, He would have found a way to tell you.” This gently stated truth was both hard to swallow and comforting at the time. How does it sit with you?

My friend, of course, couldn’t answer my question; but her response led me to freedom from my question. The truth is, there is a God who loves us passionately and who holds all things in His hands (Romans 8:28). Therefore, God’s reason for His silence is only for Him to know, and God sees that as the best way to love me.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

Hope Mom, I do not know “why”. But I do know that trials can lead us to question God’s character. We can feel insecure, sad, and angry with Him when He acts opposite to our understanding of Him. 

Yet, God wants to be known by us, and wants us to lean on Him in full trust. I encourage you to take your “Why?” and turn it into “Who?” instead.  Try asking, “Who are you, God, in my pain and suffering? Who are you, that this circumstance is your best for me?” 

There is nothing like a gut-wrenching loss to make us ask honest questions. So, go ahead, ask Him. He promises to reveal Himself to you, as surely as he has revealed our ultimate hope: redemption through Jesus’ work on the cross and his resurrection from the dead (Jeremiah 29:13; Romans 5:8-21). He is faithful to answer these kinds of questions and will sufficiently fill the void that is left by asking “Why?”

-Kelly

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.