Ask the Blog Team: How Did You Handle Invitations to Birthday Parties or Baby Showers After Loss?

Welcome to our Q+A series, Ask the Blog Team. In this series, the Hope Mommies blog team joins together to answer questions that are commonly asked in grief. If there is a question or topic that you have wrestled with in your grief that you would like the opportunity to see how other Hope Moms have processed or answered, we would love to hear from you. You can submit your questions here.

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“Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.”
-Romans 12:5

About five months after my daughter Ginny was stillborn, one of my best friends invited me to her baby shower. I knew my friend would not be offended if I didn’t go, but she was there for me so much in my grief. She listened to me and sat with me in my sorrow. I wanted to be there for her, and I wanted to celebrate her precious baby. For the most part, the shower was really positive. There were a few awkward conversations, but I also had an amazing conversation with a mom who had a stillborn son 30 years ago. Talking to her gave me a lot of hope. If I were do it again, I would have probably left before gift opening. That was the hardest part of the shower for me, and no one would’ve blamed me for leaving early. 

A dear friend became pregnant right after Anna passed, so her shower came quickly. It happened to be scheduled on a date I was out of town, which was kind of a relief. I was honest with her that I couldn’t be there, but I wanted to do something special for her instead. I think that was the best thing for us both. Otherwise, I am careful about the amount of meal trains, baby showers, and other things I attend or sign up for. I reserve my efforts mostly for those closest to me. Boundaries are wise, but I always respond, never ignoring RSVPs.

I was invited to a friend’s baby shower after my daughter died, and while I was pregnant with my third child, and I just told her the truth. I thanked her for inviting me, but I was just not ready to attend a baby shower yet. I was scared I was going to offend her, but I did not want to go to her baby shower and cry or make things awkward.

For several years, I didn’t go to baby showers—especially if it was for a boy. I didn’t explain. I just sent a gift and didn’t go. No one asked me why I didn’t go. I think they understood and offered me lots of grace.

I was asked to co-host a baby shower for a friend just a few weeks after my first loss. It ended up being scheduled for a day that I already had plans, so I was unable to attend, but I did help with all of the preparations ahead of time. God redeemed the time I spent planning for the shower and making decorations and “thank you” gifts, by reminding my heart that the miracle of conception is always worthy of being celebrated. I was able to use those hours of preparation to be in prayer for this sweet new momma and her growing babe—praising God for the gift of life. It was healing for my heart to fight against the fear that I was holding onto regarding this friend’s pregnancy, and renew my trust in the One who held her and her precious baby in His loving hands.

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