Amanda’s Retreat Experience

Mother’s Day, May 14, 2017. Harrison’s Birthday. I had envisioned that weekend to be completely different. My first Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate that I was now a momma. Instead, we said hello and goodbye to our sweet boy on that day.

I was in complete shock that something like this could even happen to us, but I knew the best thing I could do during this time was seek to biblical truth. I constantly questioned the Lord, asking why it had to happen to us. Why did our healthy boy only live on earth long enough for us to fall head over heels in love with him before being ripped from our arms? Why didn’t He take me instead of Harrison?

But there is always more to the story than just pain. In the midst of our heartbreak, the Lord showed up, and was faithful to us, even in the hardest of times. Following the days of losing Harrison, I would see the word “hope” everywhere—in Scripture, displayed in coffee shops or grocery stores I walked in, within encouraging words from friends. It was a beautiful reminder that by choosing hope, I was choosing to set my heart and mind on Christ!

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
Hebrews 6:19

I clung to this verse during this time. A couple weeks after losing Harrison, I received a Hope Box in the mail. A sweet friend of mine sent it to me. There it was again: hope. That is when I first learned about Hope Mommies. I immediately started perusing the website. I was encouraged by everything I read. It was such a relief knowing I wasn’t alone in this journey. I joined the online communities. I needed to surround myself with women who understood my pain, could encourage me, and would remind me that we serve a faithful God.

In the Fall, I signed up for an online Hope Group. I am a pretty outgoing person, but I was terrified! I wasn’t sure what I was thinking. It was completely out of my comfort zone to join a group of ladies and talk about my feelings, especially about losing Harrison. But I knew God wanted me to do this. So, I went for it.

I’m sure glad I did! It was here where I learned about the Hope Mommies retreat and was highly encouraged to attend that following March. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I knew it was going to be so good for me to attend but, again, I was terrified and completely out of my comfort zone. And now, it was with a much larger group of ladies. I had also recently found out that I was pregnant with our sweet baby girl. I wanted to be sensitive to the other mommas there, so I decided this was the sign I needed from God that I wouldn’t attend.

Okay, it was completely opposite of what He was telling me to do. My Hope Group leader and another mommy in my group encouraged me to still attend. In March, I headed to Texas from Seattle to attend the retreat. I met another mommy from my Hope Group at the Dallas airport and we made our way to Giddings (with a stop in Waco on the way). The drive itself was amazing and relaxing. We cried together and talked about our babies, our life after losing our babies, and what God was doing in our lives. It was on that drive when I realized this was exactly where I needed to be, and that the entire weekend was going to be just what my momma heart needed.

The retreat was nothing short of amazing. I spent that weekend reflecting, relaxing, celebrating our sweet boy, meeting some incredible mommies, and growing a deeper relationship with the Lord. Upon arriving, I made my way to the main room and was completely overwhelmed the moment I stepped in as I realized there was an entire room full of women who knew the pain and sorrow I was feeling. I was greeted by so many women who asked me questions about Harrison. These women wanted to know about Harrison, and I was able to talk about him freely without receiving the uncomfortable looks.

Harrison’s name was everywhere. There was a slide show of all the babies and their names playing on repeat throughout the entire weekend. There were prayer rooms set up so we could spend one on one time with the Lord. There were boxes set up so we could leave notes to encourage the other mommas. We had a Hope Box Gathering, and I was able to assemble a Hope Box that would be given to a bereaved momma, just like the Hope Box that was given to me and encouraged me to jump into the community of Hope Mommies.

That weekend I got to be Harrison’s mommy, not just Amanda. I loved every minute of it. I left that Sunday encouraged and reminded of God’s great love for us. Although I never asked to be on this journey, I know I do not have to do it alone. We serve a God who is good, merciful, strong, and always faithful. And I am one day closer to seeing my sweet boy again! I’ve prayed over and over and asked the Lord to use me and use my story. I believe this is just the beginning.

I am a stay-at-home wife and Momma. My husband, Aaron, and I have been married for 4 years and live outside Seattle, WA. We have two children, Harrison, is who waiting for us in Heaven, and Lenora, our blessing here on Earth. I love Jesus, my wonderful husband, our sweet babies, coffee, crafting, hiking/being outside, the Seattle rain, and spending time with our family.

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