A Song for My Soul: He Will Hold Me Fast

Music has the ability to speak into the deepest recesses of our hearts. God often uses songs to speak hope and encouragement to our souls. In this series, Hope Moms share songs that have pointed them to the hope of Christ in the midst of their grief. Is there a song that has comforted you in your grief? We’d love to have you share your story here.

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I saw the positive pregnancy test and my first thought was, “Oh! Another baby to love like Jacob!”

Jacob, our firstborn, died on his birthday, seven hours after we met face to face. It had been almost eight months since he was born, and eight months since we said goodbye, and our arms were aching for him.

Knowing that our hearts could love deeper than we ever thought possible, we were eager to add another child to our family. And so, the sight of a positive pregnancy test in late October gave us quite a joy.

Cautiously, we celebrated—telling our closest friends and family even the day that we found out.  Our second little one was to be joining our family!

Ten weeks of morning sickness and exhaustion, entering into the now—familiar pregnancy symptoms I had grown accustomed to during Jacob’s life, and we finally were headed to our first ultrasound appointment with our doctor. It was after our first Thanksgiving with Jacob and just a few short weeks before we celebrated Christmas without him.

And then—words I didn’t to hear again.

“I’m sorry.”

But this time, they were followed by, “There’s no heartbeat.”

My body, trembling at the news, was going to be experiencing a second birth—but this time, all too early, and the birth of a baby who was no longer with us.

As the weeks passed and I sat in my counselor’s office, I told her I felt only as if I was free falling.  No longer able to hold on to whatever I was attempting to hold on to before in my grief, I had simply let go. I felt weightless. Void. Unable to do anything or think through anything related to life and my babies and grief.

I was in shock again—so soon. Just ten months after saying goodbye to our son, we said goodbye to one whose face we never got to see.

This trauma I was experiencing was more than simply a lost dream, but lost hope, lost life—empty arms.  An empty heart. Again. Too many goodbyes.

And so, my counselor—just as she had encouraged me many times before—said the words that my heart needed the freedom to receive.

“You feel like you’re free falling because you’ve finally let go. But here’s the good news—you were never really holding on to God in the first place.  He was always holding on to you. And He has you, He’s holding you, right there in the center of His palm.  He’s got you. You can let go. Rest in Him.”

Freedom.

In the course of the days that followed I began to listen to one song on repeat. Just as God had used music—specifically hymns—to minister to my soul and teach me theology for the months before and following Jacob’s death, He used a song to secure a truth in my heart that I was crying out about.

Was God really going to be there for me? Would He really be with me? Even if I did nothing for Him? Even if I could keep nothing together?

And so, as a statement, and as a question, I would sing this song¹. Repeatedly. Almost as if it would finally one day sink in and penetrate the depths of my soul, teaching me, that it was true.

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast.
When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.
I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path.
For my love is often cold; He will hold me fast.

He will hold me fast! He will hold me fast!
For my Savior loves me so; He will hold me fast.

I feared my faith would fail. The Tempter was attempting to prevail. I couldn’t hold on. Life was too fearful. My love was growing cold… and in it all—He would hold me fast. (And my heart would respond again: You will, right? You’ll hold me… Right?)

Those He saves are His delight; Christ will hold me fast.
Precious in His Holy sight! He will hold me fast.
He’ll not let my soul be lost – his promises shall last –
Bought by Him at such a cost; He will hold me fast!

The theology that steadied my heart became this: Christ was the One who was doing it all along! Christ delighted in me (1 John 3:1). Christ held me (1 John 5:11-12). He promised that He would never let me go (Romans 8:38-39). He bought me at such a price and He promises. He will hold me fast.

When I couldn’t do it.

When I faced Christmas without two babies now and not just one.

When I experienced physical complications from a surgery and when I woke up from it all deeply mourning my babies.

When I couldn’t keep a smile.

When I just missed my son…

When I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t read Scripture. I couldn’t even pretend to do any of that.

He held me.

He would.

In the darkest depths of my grief, God met me. He met me and He answered the question that had been burning in my soul all along. I could trust Him. I’d hold onto Him. He wasn’t letting me go.

And He hasn’t.

And He won’t.

For my life He bled and died! Christ will hold me fast.
Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast
‘Til our faith is turned to sight when He comes at last!

He will hold me fast.
He will hold me fast.
For my Savior loves me so—
He will hold me fast.

¹ “He Will Hold Me Fast” by Ada Habershon & Getty Music

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My husband John-Mark and I live in Richmond, VA, where we spend our days with college students, sharing the grace and truth that Jesus offers as He transforms their lives – and ours. I am a big fan of warm weather and the beach, meaningful conversations with those I love, and my family. These days I am in a new phase of my motherhood as I invest most of my time caring for my youngest, a sweet baby girl. The greatest honor of my life is being a mom of two with babies in Heaven.

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