A Prayer For the One Who Feels Envious

I see you and I’ve been there. More importantly, God sees you and hasn’t cast you out. The sin of comparison, jealousy, envy—it’s heavy, but it was also paid for with Jesus’ blood. You don’t need to hide it from Him, nor from this community. You can be honest and exclaim, “God this doesn’t feel fair that she gets to keep her baby when I don’t!” You can lament, “Lord why her and not me?”

My Anna died on October 7, and I was met with a close friend being pregnant the very next month. Not only was this a blow to my infertility struggle, but it was so soon after my loss that I felt completely forgotten by her and by the Lord. My grief of missing my daughter felt like I had received enough torture—now this? My envy turned into anger and my anger into despair. It was all just grief, but I needed a way out and I needed help.

Grief counseling, surrender, Scripture, repentance…repeat. I knew I could not let bitterness take root and make way for resentment and division between believers, much less between friends. I knew I could not give Satan that advantage! And if you can relate, I pray you don’t give him that grip either. I wrote this prayer for you and I both. I hope you can read it and take the next steps toward fighting envy too.

A prayer for the Hope Mommy who is envious:

Oh Lord, the envy I’m experiencing truly is rottenness to my bones like your Word says (Proverbs 14:30). I feel it creeping into my soul, causing bitterness to take root. It makes me angry! It makes me self-centered. Oh Lord, please stop the sin of envy and protect me from its fruit of resentment. I hate the way it feels to be jealous, yet I continue to allow the repetitious thoughts mull over in my mind of what she has and what I don’t. It causes me to question your goodness and provision, and embarrassingly, it causes me to question your character.

Forgive me Lord. You have never given me a reason to question who you truly are. Please help me overcome this in your name. I don’t want to feel these feelings. I relate to Paul when he says his flesh does what he doesn’t want to do (Romans 7). Your spirit in me is warning me against my mind. But you promise me, even in this sin that is against my sister and friend, that you provide forgiveness, freedom, and redemption because of your grace alone. I want to live standing on your grace alone, knowing this is not an attack from my friend nor from my Lord.

Father, I know her victory is not my rebuke. There is no comparison or favoritism in your family (James 2:1). Therefore, I will stand on your truth alone. I no longer want the lies the enemy has scattered before me for my taking. Grief is hard enough! Rather, I want your Word to be a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path—illuminating just enough to take the next right step toward you rather than away into envy, jealousy, and comparison (Psalm 119:105).

My child is gone Lord, and you know how deep a loss this is and how wide the chasm left in my heart is. You weep with me and collect my tears—may I not forget that when I’m distracted by the gifts others have received in the time of my grief. I desire to continue this marathon, running with perseverance toward honoring you, and I ask you to help carry me through. Thank you for seeing me in my grief and never running away from its messiness.

Amen.

Kayla is married to Justin in sunny south Florida where they enjoy life together with friends & family. Kayla is a teacher at heart, nurse by profession, & lover of truth! She serves as a volunteer nurse at her local Care-Net & enjoys women’s ministry discipleship especially in the areas of grief, marriage, & infertility. You can follow more of her musings on grief here.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.