Ebone’s Story

Approximately two years ago I found myself instantly initiated into a sorority, if you will, that I had not applied to nor that I desired to be apart of.  I went to a regular OB appointment one day before my due date; I was excited because I knew the baby would be coming any day. I even joked that he would be born on Christmas because I found out that I was pregnant on Good Friday. However, when my midwife looked into my eyes with tears forming in her eyes and told me that my baby had passed away, my world shifted, my reality changed, and everything I knew to be Ebone was no longer true.

I then had to decide, Do I stick with my original plan to have an all natural VBAC or do I go in for the quick c-section and be done?  My husband and I talked it over and decided that although the cesarean would allow a quick fix to the mountain we were up against it wouldn’t make this loss any easier.  It wouldn’t change the fact that we would be going home with a box and a bear. And frankly I wanted the physical pain to match the emotional web of pain I had found myself entrapped in.

After 8 hours of unmedicated labor I gave birth to my Austin who was born sleeping. He was perfect in every way—with thick dark hair and perfectly brown skin. There are no words to describe the silence that took place in that bittersweet moment. I felt like a full-blown rock star for giving birth with no meds but the reality was that my husband and I sat in a still room not filled with attempts to latch on and newborn cries; our room was filled with a deafening silence. In that silence I was not angry with God nor did I have a “Why?” But my heart was at peace knowing that my sweet child opened his eyes before Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.

And what a birthday that is, two days before Christmas, to open your eyes and greet your Creator, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” (Jeremiah 1:5a NKJV), the One who knew him before I even knew that I had a desire for him.

After wrestling with and accepting that God gave me this child solely for His glory I went home to enter what I like to call “the fog.” It was a time of joy and rest in suffering. “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:3-5 ESV). It was clear that I had to make a choice, Will I sit and die emotionally or even spiritually or will I see what God’s purpose is for my life and my ministry in this loss? “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

Although, everything that I knew to be true in my life was shattered and my core was rocked, it shifted my reality to worship. What other viable choice was I given? Who can heal all brokenness? God! No man, nor child, nor anything superficial can rebuild me in the midst of brokenness. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). The tears rolled daily like creeks in the spring. But God’s Word says “Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy” (Psalms 126:5 NKJV), and “You have kept record of my days of wandering. You have stored my tears in your bottle and counted each of them” (Psalms 56:8 CEVUS06). I clung and still cling white knuckled to God’s promises; I can’t let go of what His word says. In His word is comfort, peace, rest, joy, sustenance and healing: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all…The Lord redeems His servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him” (Psalm 34:19-22).

There has been a spiritual “rebirth,” rebuilding, and reawakening that I believe would not have taken place in me had I not trusted God each day of my pregnancy and even now through each day that I grow closer to Him toward eternity.

– Ebone

Hope Mom to Austin Lamar

I live in Toledo, OH but was born and raised in Northwest Indiana along with my husband Rashadd. My husband and I work together in the children’s ministry at church. We have 5 beautiful children Kayden who is 9, Madisen who is 6, Austin who will celebrate his 3rd birthday with Jesus in October, Tristen who is 1 and Baby sister Humes who is due this Summer. I enjoy clearance shopping, cooking and vacationing with what I affectionately call my tribe.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

FOLLOW OUR BLOG