When Grief Touches Everything

Hope Mom,

We’re here. We made it to another Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is my sixteenth October to be a part of, but before my daughter was stillborn, it was a day and a month I didn’t even know existed. Being a Hope Mom and being part of this community is nothing I ever wanted for my life, but it has also been such a gift. I have seen the Lord care for me through so many of the women I have met here, and I’ll be forever grateful for His kindness in giving me these friendships and women who have helped me carry both my grief and Paige’s memory through the years.

But a month like this can feel confusing, though, can’t it? We wanted holidays and birthdays and every day, really. And so, to now have a month that is our own feels, on one hand, beautiful, and on the other hand, quite possibly like something you would prefer not to acknowledge at all, because celebrating anything without one of your children can feel like a knife piercing your spirit.

That is how sorrow was described to Mary, the mother of Jesus. In Luke 2, Simeon, who had been waiting to see his Savior, saw Jesus and worshiped God. He then turned to Mary and told her that her Son would be opposed, and that, “As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul” (Luke 2:35, NLT).

Simeon was speaking of the sorrow Mary would experience as she watched her Son be opposed, suffer, and ultimately die. And while her story is uniquely hers, we understand something of that image as Hope Moms, don’t we? The death of a child can feel exactly like a sword piercing the deepest parts of a mother’s soul.

It is an unnatural pain, to have our babies die, because death is unnatural. It was never part of God’s good creation. Death entered the world through sin, and before the first family’s story had gone very far, Adam and Eve experienced the death of their son Abel. Parents were never meant to bury their children.

But we don’t always experience life the way we think we should, or the way we expected we would. We often walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and we feel overwhelmed by it, smothered by it, and sometimes we feel like there is no way out of the sorrow that has pierced our souls.

And yet, I have found such comfort and even joy in the midst of pain. I realize that we are all, as Hope Moms, in different places and seasons in our grief, and if you are in a dark season right now, this might be hard to understand or even see. I don’t want to rush you through that darkness or make you feel like you need to find the good in it. But I do want you to know that, in Christ, there can be joy and even purpose in our pain, because He is with us in it, and He will not allow our sorrow to have the final word.

But I also don’t want to make any of this sound simple or neat, because it isn’t. The Lord can bring comfort and purpose into our pain, but that doesn’t change how deeply suffering affects us, or how it can press against places in our hearts that were already tender long before our babies died.

In Suffering: Gospel Hope When Life Doesn’t Make Sense, Paul David Tripp wrote, “You never just suffer the thing that you’re suffering, but you always also suffer the way that you’re suffering that thing.”

I feel this quote deeply. Would you agree that we never come to suffering empty-handed? We carry our experiences, expectations, assumptions, fears, desires, and questions with us. What we believe about ourselves, about others, and especially about God profoundly shapes the way we walk through what has happened to us.

After the loss of a baby, you aren’t only grieving your baby. You may also be grieving the future you imagined, the motherhood you expected, or the innocence you once carried into pregnancy. You may be wrestling with fear about what comes next, disappointment over the ways people have responded, or questions about why God allowed this to be part of your story. There is the suffering itself, and then there is everything that suffering stirs up within your heart.

Trauma and grief can trigger us in such unexpected ways, too. Maybe your loss brings up painful memories from your family of origin, abuse you experienced, or anger that was taken out on you. Maybe your marriage was already struggling before your loss, and now you aren’t sure where things are headed. Maybe you battle insecurity. Hopelessness. Anger. Fear. Maybe you are having thoughts you don’t want to admit to anyone, or even to yourself.

These aren’t little things. They are compounded fractures in the story of our lives, and some of them may not be known to anyone but you and the Lord. It can feel lonely and scary, and it can be hard to know how to climb out of the hole you feel yourself slipping deeper into.

And so much about pregnancy loss can be an especially hidden grief, too. Much of what you have lost may never have been seen by the people around you. They may not understand the life you were already imagining or the depth of the love you carried for your baby. But nothing about your baby, your loss, your past, or your grief has ever been hidden from the Lord. He sees you, and He is with you.

I hope you know that you are safe to bring all of it to Him. Whether it feels like big-T trauma or little-t trauma, whether it happened years ago or yesterday, He can handle it. You can bring Him your deepest thoughts, longings, fears, questions, and pain. You don’t need to clean them up first, pretend they aren’t there, or find the right words before coming to Him.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God.
Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes,
and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
–Hebrews 4:13, NLT

To be fully seen can sound frightening, but for the grieving heart, it can also be a profound comfort. God sees the sorrow you share openly and the pain you carry deep inside. He sees the questions you are afraid to ask and the thoughts you wish you didn’t have, and He still invites you to come near.

I know peace might feel like a strange word after everything we have just talked about. Maybe you don’t feel peaceful at all right now. Maybe your thoughts feel tangled, your questions feel bigger than the answers, and your grief still feels like it could knock you over at any moment. But the psalmist writes,

Those who love your instructions have great peace
and do not stumble.
–Psalm 119:165, NLT

This doesn’t mean that if we just love God and His Word enough, we will never feel overwhelmed by grief, wrestle with hard questions, or have days when we aren’t sure how to keep going. I don’t want you to read these words and think that because you don’t feel peaceful, you are somehow doing this wrong or you aren’t trusting God enough. Grief can shake us deeply, even when we love and trust the Lord.

But God’s Word gives us something true to come back to at times when everything inside of us feels uncertain. It reminds us who God is when our suffering has caused us to question what we thought we knew about Him. It reminds us that He is near to the brokenhearted, that our babies have never been forgotten by Him, and that because Jesus died and rose again, death will not have the final word.

And as we bring all that is inside of us into the light of His Word, our fears, assumptions, expectations, questions, anger, and pain, He gently meets us there. Sometimes He corrects what we have believed, reminds us of what we already know but can’t seem to feel right now, or He simply holds us close while we grieve, giving us enough peace for this moment, and then the next one, and then the one after that, so much so that it leaves us in awe of God’s strength and power in the midst of such darkness.

Hope Mom, you don’t have to hide the way you are suffering from the Lord. If your soul feels pierced, like Mary’s, He already knows. You don’t have to bring Him only the parts of your grief that feel acceptable or the questions that feel faithful enough to say out loud. Bring Him the loss of your baby and everything that loss has awakened within you. He already sees all of it, and He isn’t scared of what He sees. He will meet you there with truth, compassion, and the kind of peace that may not take your pain away, but will hold you steady in the middle of it.

Pray

Lord, You see my suffering, and You also see everything this loss has stirred up within me. You know the fears I have been afraid to say out loud, the questions I don’t know how to answer, the expectations that have been shattered, and the longings I still carry for my baby. Help me know that I am safe bringing all of it to You.

When grief makes everything feel uncertain, steady me with what is true. Remind me who You are and that You are near, even when I can’t feel You. Help me trust that my baby is not forgotten and that death will not have the final word. Draw me close and give me the peace that can only be found in You, even if it is only enough peace for this moment. Amen.

Go Deeper

1. What is your baby’s name, and why did you choose it?
   If you didn’t name your baby, that’s okay. Your baby is not nameless to the Lord. You can write a nickname you used during pregnancy, or simply write “Baby” and your last name. You can also use this space to write about what it means to you to be their mom.
2. What do you most want to remember about your baby or the time you carried them?
3. Along with your baby, what else are you grieving?
   This might be the future you imagined, the motherhood you expected, trust in your body, innocence in pregnancy, or something else entirely.
4. What does your grief feel like right now, without trying to change it, explain it, or make it sound better than it is?
5. Has the loss of your baby brought other wounds, fears, or painful memories to the surface? What has that been like for you?
6. Are there thoughts, emotions, or questions you have been afraid to say out loud, either to someone else or to the Lord?
7. How has your loss affected what you believe about God? What do you know to be true about Him, and what are you struggling to believe right now?
8. What do you need today, and who might be a safe person to help you carry it?

Jennie is the Executive Director for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Brian live in Oregon and have four children together— Trenton, Paige who has been in Heaven with Jesus since 2010, Mason, and Cora. If you were to knock on her front door today, you’d find her in something comfortable drinking a hot cup of tea, while trying to figure out how to balance all the things that make up a life. She enjoys spending time in God’s word, fresh flowers, board games with her kids, cooking, and evening walks in her neighborhood. She adores being a new creation in Christ and prays she reflects Him well on this earth.