Mental Health Moment: Grieving Styles

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Before my Hope Baby, William, went to heaven, I had a career in mental health counseling. God has used my training and subsequent experience as a Hope Mom to help me understand more intimately the human bereavement journey.

One of the most basic, yet in my opinion, vital concepts to know about grief is the various grieving styles people exhibit. While I will describe some of the categories, it’s important to note that there are as many grieving styles as there are people. We all internalize and express grief in personal ways–and these ways are affected by our personalities, histories, relationships, the nature of the loss, culture, and our understanding of God.

Grieving styles are the reason that sometimes you wake up and not only don’t recognize your life, but also don’t recognize yourself, your spouse, your family or your friends. Everyone is acting so strangely. You might be nodding your head here as you recall odd (maybe even offensive ways) people have behaved after your baby went to heaven. Additionally, differing grieving styles can cause confusion and conflict among the survivors of the loss.

Generally, grieving styles can be categorized into three different groups: affective, instrumental, and blended. Most people tend toward one of these categories, but can shift depending on the situation.

Affective grievers primarily express their grief through feelings: sadness, anger, or a depressed mood with little energy or motivation. These grievers can feel overwhelmed by emotions (e.g. “if I start crying, I may not stop!”), have trouble concentrating, are forgetful, and may appear to move more slowly through grief. They will look for opportunities to share and connect with others over their grief experience. 

Instrumental grievers respond to loss in more physical and cognitive ways, and their emotions usually remain private. They seek to perform tasks (e.g. funeral planning, house projects, etc.) and search out information about the loss, trying to understand what happened and how to avoid it in the future. They may also engage in risky behaviors as outlets for their pain. Because of their style, they may be viewed by others as insensitive, in denial, or to have moved through their grief rather quickly. 

Blended-style grievers combine elements of affective and instrumental grieving styles, but usually lean towards one style more than the other; sometimes they change depending on who they are with or the environment.

So, where do you tend to fall? How about those closest to you? 

As you notice your own grief style and that of others, hide one of the Apostle Peter’s encouragements in your heart: Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind (1 Peter 3:8).

Unity of mind: Remember everyone affected by your loss is hurting, confused, often not sure what to do, but everyone is grieving the same loss (even if not to the same degree or way you are).
Sympathy: Everyone is grieving in their own way. What may look like denial or erratic emotions to you might be the only way that person knows how to handle something as traumatic as baby loss.
Brotherly love and a tender heart: Ask God to replace any anger you feel towards others with tenderness as you remember none of us was meant to experience death – it is traumatic to the eternity he set in our hearts (Ecc 3:11). We all respond differently to trauma.
A humble mind: May you be blessed with the humility that God also lost His Son to death, and that He can help you walk your own road of grief. May this humility bless you to allow others to grieve their way, too. 

Here with you as we grieve with hope,

Kelly

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.