Grace in Grief – Learning to Extend Compassion to Others

When you’ve walked through the unimaginable loss of your baby, it’s easy to feel like you’ve become an expert in grief. You know the weight of the pain, the depth of the sorrow, and what it feels like to question how you’ll ever move forward. You know what cuts deep and what offers even a little bit of comfort.

But if I’m honest with myself, before I lost my daughter, I had no idea what it truly meant to grieve. I had experienced loss in my life, and I considered myself to be an empathetic person. Yet, I know I’ve said things, forgotten things, and acted in ways that likely hurt others who were grieving. Even now, as I continue navigating my own grief, I realize that I sometimes miss the mark in supporting others, and I’ve undoubtedly caused pain unintentionally. I’ve had to apologize to my own husband many times for not caring for him well in his grief, too.

Instead of holding our friends and family to an impossible standard—expecting them to always know what to say or how to help—I’m learning to offer grace. Sometimes grace looks like absorbing a hurtful comment, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and choosing to cry in private when I’m stung. Grace allows me to rest in the truth that my worth isn’t found in how others respond to my pain, but in the presence of God who sees me, even in those moments when I feel completely alone.

At the same time, grace also means I can speak truth into the situation. There are moments when it’s necessary to tenderly remind others of our baby’s name, to gently correct a well-meaning comment, or to express my needs—like saying, “This is what helps me,” or “This is what hurts me.” It’s okay to show vulnerability, to give others the tools they need to care for us well.

True community desires to love us. They want to say the right things to offer comfort, but fear often holds them back from speaking or doing anything at all. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? By sharing our experiences and helping our loved ones understand how they can support us, we’re offering them the opportunity to learn and grow in compassion. This isn’t just for our own healing—it’s for the healing of those who are learning how to walk alongside us in our grief.

The beautiful thing is that, through it all, we’ve been shown such immeasurable grace ourselves. As followers of Jesus, we’re often reminded that He suffered on our behalf. In the midst of my grief, I find great comfort in knowing that Jesus understands suffering. I think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and Eve, the first mother—both of whom endured the agony of child loss. And I am reminded that God Himself lost His Son, and this draws me close to Him.

But there’s something even more humbling that I often forget in my grief: Jesus suffered for me. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). He suffered because of me.

If Jesus, who endured the deepest suffering, was willing to enter into this broken world and love those who would cause Him the most pain, how much more can His grace transform my heart? The very grace that saved my soul and the Holy Spirit who works in me can help me extend that love to others, even when I am hurting. It is through the grace He’s shown me that I can find the strength to have grace for my community.

It’s not always easy. It’s hard when people don’t know what to say, or when they unintentionally cause more pain. I understand that feeling all too well. There are times when it’s right to let things slide, but there are also times when we must gently speak the truth. But my heart’s desire is to be a woman who knows and makes known the Savior of the world. I long to be one who, despite great suffering, is able to love others in the way that Jesus has loved me. I pray for grace upon grace in this process, and I pray the same for you.

Through the gospel, we are freed to show grace to ourselves, to our community, and to others who are hurting too.

Jennie is the Executive Director for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Brian live in Oregon and have four children together— Trenton, Paige who has been in Heaven with Jesus since 2010, Mason, and Cora. If you were to knock on her front door today, you’d find her in something comfortable drinking a hot cup of tea, while trying to figure out how to balance all the things that make up a life. She enjoys spending time in God’s word, fresh flowers, board games with her kids, cooking, and evening walks in her neighborhood. She adores being a new creation in Christ and prays she reflects Him well on this earth.