Comforted By the Father

After Ashlee and I lost our second baby, I was tired and didn’t really know how to care for my family. They needed care that I didn’t think I could provide. I remember sitting on our couch feeling so helpless. And that feeling wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t give my wife what she needed. She needed God’s love and comfort in a way that I could not give on my own. But at the same time my calling to love my wife was still the same as its all ways been. 

Ephesians 5:25 tells us, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” 

Even when I was at a loss as to how to care for my wife, what God called me to hadn’t changed. I was called to love my wife as Christ loved the church—the church that He died to save. I was called to die to myself and love my wife. In fact, according to Ephesians 5:28-29, I am called to love my wife in the same way that I love and care for myself.

“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”  

Caring for my wife should be as natural as caring for myself. This is true both when times are easy and in times of suffering. Paul tells us that loving ourselves starts with loving our wives. This is how closely God sets up our relationship. I am to nourish her—providing what is needed in order for her to flourish—and cherish her, demonstrating that she means more to me than anything else in the world. This never changes. My call stays the same. 

I like verses like these. They tell me what I should be doing. I have my check list—something to show off all the things I did to love my wife. But in the midst of our suffering, I quickly realized that I was not qualified to care for my wife in this way. On my own I could not love and care for her. I was empty and humbled.

Here is the thing men—if we are actually honest, when we look at these passages we should be terrified. We are called to love like Jesus, to die like Jesus, to care like Jesus. We simply cannot achieve this on our own, not in our best moments, and certainly not in the middle of loss and hardship. This should be humbling for us all. Our calling is beyond our reach.

So, why would God call us to something we cannot do? Why would God call us to care for and support our wives in ways that are impossible for us? Why on earth would God put us in situations where we are at a loss on how to care for our wives?

Because God wants us to come to Him first.

We can only live out this love when Jesus accomplishes it through us. We can only love like Jesus when we are filled with Jesus. Our very calling requires us to depend on Jesus deeply. It is a calling that shows us our deficiencies and our need to pursue our own relationship with Him in desperate way. We cannot support and comfort our wives if we are not finding support and comfort in Christ.

Yet, how often do we try to be a rock for our wives and children when we, ourselves, have not found refuge in the Rock? How often do we try to be strong for our families when we have not first come to the Lord for strength?

Earlier on in Ephesians chapter 5, Paul helps us understand what it looks like to have this kind of relationship with Jesus. He says, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

We are to imitate Jesus—to live like Him, talk like Him, think like Him, love like Him, die like Him. But how can we be imitators of Jesus if we are not spending time with Him? If we do not turn to Him our suffering. I cannot display Jesus to my wife and kids if I don’t walk with Him intimately.

Husbands, we have to love Jesus. We need to depend on Jesus. We have to know Jesus in such a way that Jesus can be clearly seen in every moment of our lives. We cannot love and care for our wives in the best moments and worst moments. It can only be Jesus working through us. You want to love your wife, love Jesus. You want to care for her, let Jesus care for your soul.  Set aside time every day to read God’s Word and apply it to your life. Take time to pray, not just asking God for things but to communion with him. We will only love our family as well as we love Jesus.