Ask the Blog Team: How Do You Respond When Someone Asks How Many Children You Have?

Welcome to our Q+A series, Ask the Blog Team. In this series, the Hope Mommies blog team joins together to answer questions that are commonly asked in grief. If there is a question or topic that you have wrestled with in your grief that you would like the opportunity to see how other Hope Moms have processed or answered, we would love to hear from you. You can submit your questions here.

---

It depends. Sometimes I refer to being pregnant in the past or having a daughter when I know I won’t have to give many details. Other times, I say “none” and others I am open and share that we have one in heaven. It depends on how much info I feel like divulging on any particular day.

I answer honestly. I say I have three, and if the person asks how old they are, I say that I have one living child, and he is one. I don’t think everyone has to answer this way, but I am thankful for each baby God has blessed me with, and I personally do not feel right saying I only have one. 

Nine out of ten times, I answer that I have a stillborn daughter in heaven. I feel like our society ignores death too often, and it is a good opportunity (however awkward) to reduce the stigma a little bit. Often it brings rich conversation and makes people feel free to talk about their own losses or their faith. I love getting to share about how God was with us so tangibly in the hardest moments. 

When people ask how many kids I have, I assume they are asking how many I have here on earth, so I answer accordingly to be fair to them. In years past when people commented about having three girls and asked if I wanted a son, I would shock them by saying “I had one and he died.” Time and maturity taught me that wasn’t fair to other people, so I try to offer grace. 

I answer this differently based on the situation. I have two living children, born after a miscarriage and the death of my son, Max, just after his birth. If it’s a really short, passing scenario, I sometimes just say I have a one and two year old. I like that answering that way doesn’t tie to me to a number that I know isn’t accurate. But a lot of the time I‘ll make the space to say, I have a one year old and two year old and also have a son who died almost four years ago. In the right setting, that answer frequently opens a sweet space for people to acknowledge a loss of their own or just to know me and my family a little more fully. It took me a little while to not feel guilty that I don’t mention our first baby when enumerating my kids or when I don’t bring Max up. But I know that my babies were and are fully loved even if I don’t tell the random stranger at Target about them.

This is a question I get often, and I still struggle to answer five years after my loss. I prefer to say: I have three boys, two that I’m raising at home. I sometimes leave it at that. I cringe at times when I see messages or announcements or Christmas cards about “a family of four” or “a family of XYZ” because if I were to say that, it would be somewhat complicated: “We’re a family of seven, with two miscarriages, one stillbirth, and two boys we’re raising, one by adoption and one biological.” So, it’s hard. It also doesn’t feel right to say we’re a family of four, because we’re not. Although I’m learning to filter out what I share when and with whom, I almost always say I’m a mom to three boys, with two here on earth that I get to raise. And even then, my heart screams out that there are two other babies who called my body home for a short time, and I remember them frequently in my heart, even if I don’t say it out loud.

I don’t answer this question the same way with everyone. When a stranger asks me in passing, I will tell them that I have five children at home. Most of the time, the conversation doesn’t go any further than that, and I’m okay with them not knowing all of the intimate details of my life or about my hope babies. Other times, one of my children will chime in, “But we also have a brother and a sister in heaven.” These moments have afforded me with many opportunities to share my hope in Christ with the stranger at the grocery store, the park, or the school pickup line. With anyone who is a part of our life in a greater capacity or with whom we having an ongoing relationship, I share my story more fully. Being open about my losses has given me a great platform for sharing the gospel and has allowed me to invite others in to bear witness to the work that the Lord is doing in my life.

---

Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.

---

---