Guilt + Grief: Should I Always Share About My Hope Baby When Talking to Others About My Family?
The weight of grief that comes from the loss of a child is a tremendously heavy burden to carry. For many Hope Moms, that weight is compounded by the additional burden of guilt. In this series, we seek to gently guide the grieving mother to the foot of the cross to exchange this burden of guilt for the peace, assurance, and forgiveness that is found in Christ.
After we lost our daughter, Ginny, at just under 35 weeks, I dreaded being asked the question, “Do you have kids?” I knew that question would come eventually, and I had no idea how to answer it. I knew I had a daughter in heaven and in my heart. I knew I was a mother, but I had no proof on earth. It seemed there was no way to answer that question without either feeling dishonest or bringing up the taboo topic of death.
Before I had a good plan for how I would answer, I was asked.My immediate response was, “No“. It was toward the end of a brief conversation with a stranger. One minute later, I was in my car bawling. I felt intense shame. I felt like I denied Ginny’s existence. I called my husband Daniel, and he quickly reassured me that we can answer that question however we want. There is no wrong answer. We may want to answer “no” to strangers who we don’t know or trust and “yes” to those we know we will be building relationships with. It’s okay either way. We are not being dishonest.
I agreed with him, but I still felt so guilty for answering “no.” Why was that my immediate response? It’s not that I forgot about Ginny; I think about her constantly. The fact was that I knew explaining my story would make both me and other person uncomfortable—uncomfortable because people just don’t know how to talk about death, especially the death of a baby or child.
After thinking more about it, I determined that avoiding discomfort on either side was not a good enough reason for me to answer “no.” I vowed that the next time I would say “yes.”
The next time I was asked was when we were out of town visiting extended family. We met our family’s pastor at their church. When he asked if I had any children, I again responded, “No.” I realized I had broken the vow I had made to myself and immediately started crying in front of everyone. I explained that we had a stillborn daughter in February, so the truth was that we do have a daughter who is in heaven. He hugged me and assured me that I would soon figure out how to best answer that question. He and his wife prayed for us and shared encouraging words with us.
Since then, I’ve been asked that question many times, and I nearly always answer “yes” and explain our stillbirth. Sometimes I cry when sharing, and sometimes I don’t. Now that I have had dozens of opportunities to share our story, I realize that part of the reason I felt convicted when I answered “no” was because God wants me to share my story.
My story is more than my daughter’s life and death; my story is a testimony of God’s presence, comfort, and redemption. It is a story that offers the hope of heaven. It is a story that shows that God can use the worst circumstances to create something so beautiful. Each opportunity to talk about Ginny is an opportunity to talk about Christ. Yes, it’s vulnerable. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, I may get some rude responses. But more times than not, I get an encounter that feeds my soul and ends in a deeper connection. When I open up about my loss, others feel free to open up about their losses or sufferings. They are often touched by how God comforted us and gives us hope.
We may not always be called to share our stories in every situation. There are times when a simple “no” may be best, and that’s okay. Don’t feel bad about it. But also be aware of the importance your story holds. Sharing it may remove a little stigma around grief, and it might make someone feel less alone in their own experiences. It could even be what God uses to enlighten someone of the gospel. What a gift! What a wonderful way to honor your Hope Baby!
“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of His own purpose and grace, which He gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began.”
-2 Timothy 1:8
“But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.”
-1 Peter 3:14-15
- Aimee
Hope Mom to Ginny Hope
Aimee lives in Cary, North Carolina with her husband Daniel. They moved there from Oklahoma in January 2018. Aimee is Hope Mom to her beautiful daughter Ginny Hope who was born February 26, 2019. She and Daniel are learning to trust God and move forward in their grief day by day. You can read more at her blog.
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