Lauren’s Lament

To lament is to turn to God in honest, desperate prayer, expressing the reality of our emotions—as intense and tumultuous as they may be. Ultimately, a lament is an expression of faith in the God who hears our cries and responds with mercy and grace. In this series, we seek to write our own laments in the style of the Psalmists, beginning by giving voice to the real and raw emotions that accompany our grief, and then lifting our eyes heavenward in trust and adoration of the One who is greater than all of our sorrow.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.”
-Psalm 43:5

Aching, yearning, screaming inside, yet quiet outside.
My soul burns, cries out for relief
For undoing
For the wrongs to be made right.

What was promised seemed to have been taken
When I wasn’t ready
It seared my heart into pieces
My eyes stung with salty grief 
And a depth of love I had not known.

Shame, fear, internal judgements (or were they accusations?) 
and questions of “why me?”
Mind racing, searching for understanding
For something to make sense
In this madness, but perhaps sense cannot be fully made.

God is mysterious, is He not? 
God is love, everlasting.
God, where are You?
God, oh my God…

Soul, remember who He is.
God is your Redeemer.
Your Help.
Be mindful of me, oh God 
Because of who You are.
Because of Your love.
I am aching.

I cannot bear my own soul
It is too heavy
Too broken
Too shattered

And parts of it have become, I fear, 
Hardened by what it has endured
You know, don’t You?
You understand. I hope.
You, alone, can carry me through.

And You did
And You have
And You will

Even now
I must believe
That you hold my child close to You
When I cannot with my own physical arms

Aching, yearning, still grieving, yet calmer.
My soul skips a few beats each day, crying out for relief
For undoing
For the wrongs to be made right

And You promise that this is part 
Of Your very good plan
For all to be made right
For Your love to be what is
The foundation and life and breath of it all.

Lauren is a part-time working mama to Isaac and two babies in heaven as well as her boys Samuel and Nathanael at home in Colorado. She is a mental health therapist, recovering perfectionist, and truth be told, often feels overwhelmed as she tries again and again to reorient herself to live life as God intended. Lauren loves all things that bring out a deep belly laugh and tears to her eyes, really (good) hot coffee, Kansas sunsets, trail runs, and being with others who can share in both the joys and sorrows of life. 

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