When You Can’t Understand God’s Plan…
God’s Word speaks thoroughly and abundantly into every season of the heart. As we study His Word, we learn that within its pages are found the ultimate source of comfort and peace for the sufferer. In this series, we will seek to carefully and compassionately apply these ancient, scriptural truths to feelings and experiences that are common in grief.
In a young child’s mind, the world revolves around them. They don’t have the capability to understand that every need can’t be met in their timing, every question cannot be answered, and every desire can’t be fulfilled. This is how I characterized myself, at times, in my green grieving—my grief before it matured. I’m still on the journey of maturing my grief, but like a toddler, I learned in the first two years that it simply isn’t all about me. Even when my baby died, my place remained as created, not Creator.
I first started recognizing this struggle when I went to a birthday party that happened to fall on the one-month mark since Anna died. I laughed, ate cake, smiled for pictures, and even enjoyed the time feeling normal, but soon after leaving, the memory of my reality came flooding back when I realized it was her day.
I wondered how everyone could be so happy when I was still in immense pain. Anna was no longer the topic of conversation when I was around, and the worst part was that even I had forgotten for a moment in the enjoyment. I wanted to scream out, “What about Anna?!” Instead, the pain welled inside me in a way that could only be expressed physically in rage followed by wails and tears. I had finally begun to deeply feel her absence, releasing physically what I had held in emotionally. That night, I learned that even in the newness of my pain, the world kept moving, it wasn’t all about me and Anna.
A second instance where God taught me to start surrendering my rights to Him was when I cried out to Him asking, “Why? Why us? Why Anna? Why this way? Tell me the details Lord so I can understand! This isn’t fair!” I demanded answers as if I deserved it in some way or believing it would help reduce the ache. I could go on and on about the questions I’ve had throughout the years, but the answer always remained the same: God knows, but it is not always for me to know, despite how I feel.
In both instances, the Holy Spirit responded to my self-focused behavior in grief with a reminder of the overpowering truth.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, “says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV)
This simple statement captures all of what I need in order to surrender my rights while grieving. God is stating so matter of fact, “You are not God, I am.”
It was as if He flat out said (in a loving way), “This isn’t all about you, Kayla.” The abruptness and perspicuity of this statement gave me two choices: to respond in self-righteousness and defiance, or rest in contentment and release. I believe we are empowered by the Spirit of Truth to embrace the latter, even during grief, because it glorifies the Father.
The only answer to the struggle of thinking more of myself and questioning the Lord’s provision and will for my life was to start constantly acknowledging who He is so I could bow before Him in reverence and dependence. If His ways and thoughts were far beyond mine, couldn’t I trust Him in this season without having every answer? And if I truly believed He was God, couldn’t I rest in His embrace and comfort alone instead of seeking it on earth?
Job had a good handle on this concept when, in his own grief over child loss, he expressed in surrender, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21b NKJV). As his suffering was compounded with poor health, he continued in surrender to God’s greater knowledge saying, “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity” (Job 2:10b NKJV)?
Job eventually had questions for God, but God answered Job directly by saying, “Where were you when I made the earth, stars, sea, clouds, sunrise, and animals” (Job 38-39 paraphrased)? Essentially, “Who do you think you are, Job? Do you think you are God? This isn’t all about you, Job!” Before knowing the reason for his losses, and without his friend’s comfort, Job repents in meek humility before the Lord’s profound power and grandeur. In that moment, I believe he understood what God later told Isaiah in Isaiah 55:8-9: our earthly ways and finite thoughts are matchless against His.
Are you listening to God with meekness, like Job did in his grief? The Lord God is enough to satisfy through every unique thread of our grief because His knowledge and understanding goes far beyond what we can even imagine. I acknowledging this truth alone, we can stand in awe and wonder of our Savior King, and when our focus is on Him, we aren’t looking at ourselves instead wondering “Why?” or “What about me?”
Ideas to help acknowledging the Lord:
- Read Job’s response to God’s declaration of omnipotence in Job 40-42.
- Search out examples throughout history of how God’s ways and thoughts are matchless.
- Use the Psalms as a guide to understanding and recognizing God’s attributes.
- Start each devotional time simply acknowledging Him for who He is.
- Memorize Isaiah 55:8-9.
- Kayla
Hope Mom to Anna Joy
I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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