Hillary’s Story

Jesus is better.

One short sentence. Just three simple words. Yet, in it there is so much theology. Truth. Depth. Conviction. Jesus is better. Do I really believe that? I mean sure, I know it’s true. But deep down in the real me, do I believe it? After I lost my son to miscarriage, can I still live my life in such a way that reflects that belief? Some days, I do. But if I’m really honest, there are days I don’t. Like the days I’m really missing Jeremy. 

Jeremy, my third child, is my Hope baby. I miscarried at 15 weeks, on August 1, 2018. 

When I woke up that morning, I never expected it to be any different from any other day. I never imagined it to change my life so quickly. From the first sign of spotting to the time I delivered our baby at home was just under eight hours. 

We named him Jeremy Christopher, which means God will uplift or appointed by God (Jeremy) and Christ-bearer (Christopher). 

I’ll never forget Room 6.

Room 6, the place where I had my first prenatal appointment and was surprised by the ultrasound showing our baby measured 12 weeks instead of eight, like I thought. I was so excited to meet our little one four weeks earlier than planned.

Room 6, the place where my midwife said Jeremy measured at 12-13 weeks, meaning his heart stopped beating just hours or days after my first appointment, when I had seen the healthy, moving baby and a strong heartbeat on the screen. It had taken my body a few weeks to realize what had happened. But I’m thankful from start to finish, everything went so quickly. I know that isn’t the case for everyone. 

I’m thankful for a midwife, my OB, and the office/hospital staff who helped us through everything that had to be done in the hours following. 

It was impossibly difficult to say goodbye. We took pictures of Jeremy to be able to show our other boys when they’re older. Even in his tiny, not-yet-fully-formed state, he had distinct features—fingers, eyes, feet, and ear buds, and he bore the image of his Creator. This is one reason we felt Christ-bearer (Christopher) was a fitting name.

Pathology and blood tests revealed a perfectly healthy baby, with no indications of genetic disorders, chromosomal abnormalities, or any other reason the pregnancy would end. It just did. Statistics say one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so it is actually more common than many realize. And while those “normal” results gave us hope for a possible future pregnancy not being at higher risk for miscarriage, they didn’t give us answers. So I held on to the one thing I knew: if my good, good Father is still on the throne (which He is), then I know He can use even this tragedy for my good and His glory. 

In the days immediately following the miscarriage I found myself, like countless others who have gone through difficulty, praying, “Not my will, but Yours be done.” This was not part of what I would have chosen for my family or my story, but it is what happened. I can’t change that, but I can use it for good. Jeremy’s life was not just the “one in four.” I don’t have to be silent and keep my grief and pain buried inside. I can share our story and maybe God can use that to bring comfort and hope to another family who has also lost a little one, and Jeremy’s life will be honored in that way. 

In October 2018 we had Jeremy’s memorial service. He was buried in a box along with 24 other babies gone too soon from this life (by our measure of what is “too soon”). As the opening two notes of the song “I Can Only Imagine” began the service, my flood of tears began. Yet, in the midst of my sorrow, I found a way to smile and have joy also. God was already healing my hurting heart, even though I grieved the loss of my son. I could believe my good Father had plans for this difficult loss, even though I didn’t understand it all. The week before the service, I had written a song while reflecting on this truth. Speaking truth to myself, usually in song, has become one of the biggest ways I’ve allowed God to heal my hurting heart.

Part of the song I wrote says this:

“Even now, as I face the fire, You are good.
Even now, in the darkest valley, You are good.
Even when the mount looms higher, You are good. You are good.
Yes, even now, You, my God, are good.

So trial or test, whatever comes.
I’ll stand my ground and I won’t run.
I’ll trust in You and seek Your face. 
Knowing, God, You’ll give me grace. 
And my prayer will be, even now will I believe.”
(Even Now, © 2018 Hillary Goodwin)

Jesus is good. And He is better. 

Some days I know Jesus is better than having a baby, but in the moment, I’m not living that belief. I’m missing my baby. I’m struggling to see Jesus and His plan for my life as better when I just want my baby back. But Jesus is, and always will be, better. He’s better than the best other gifts God has given us.

The song “Jesus is Better” by Austin Stone worship has meant a lot to me ever since I lost Jeremy. My prayer has been a line from this song “Jesus is better, make my heart believe.” I want to live in that truth each day—on days when things are hard and I’m missing Jeremy, and on the days when things are going well and I’m excited for all God is doing in our lives. Whatever my circumstances are, Jesus is better.

Just one week after Jeremy’s memorial service, I found out I was pregnant again. I was days away from having surgery to deal with bad endometriosis, so I didn’t even think it was possible to conceive at that time. I recognized clearly this was God’s perfect timing, as our fourth baby’s due date was the week before the one year anniversary of when Jeremy passed away. Only in God’s grace would the timing be so perfect as to allow us the comfort of holding a precious newborn babe in our arms while we went through that difficult first anniversary. I know not everyone is able to have another baby after loss, especially that quickly. I feel blessed that God chose to add another baby into our family’s story, for purposes only He knows at this time.

Our July 4 firecracker baby in no way replaces his brother Jeremy, but he is a sweet reminder of the goodness of God that is present in the everyday details of life. He is a reminder that Jesus gives hope and life even amid loss and death. He is a reminder to me that God’s plan for my life is better than my own. His plan is better because Jesus is better.

I am a stay-at-home mom raising a seven-year-old, a two-year-old and a baby. God gave us all boys, so life is a bit crazy in our home. I needed a creative outlet to deal with the chaos of raising kiddos and not losing my sanity, so I started a business called Endangered Sanity, which officially launched in early 2019.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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