Katie’s Story

“I’m sorry.”

The two words no expectant mother wants to hear with an ultrasound wand on her stomach. Disbelief washed over me as I saw my perfect, beautiful, motionless baby on the screen. How could this be? Less than 36 hours ago, I saw him kicking and punching at my doctor’s office. How could something so monumental happen in such a short amount of time? I collapsed into a sobbing heap as the nurses wrapped me up in their arms. Strangers were holding me as I cradled my still belly after hearing the worst news I have ever received.

After the nurses helped me call my husband and my parents, I was taken to a delivery room in the hospital. I have a hard time recalling what I was thinking, but a sense of loneliness overwhelmed me. Owen had been with me every day over the past 38 and a half weeks, and now he was gone. My pregnancy with him had been beautiful and easy. Every checkup and appointment had been a positive and reassuring experience. Until it wasn’t.

After the longest sixteen hours of my life, I delivered Owen in the early hours of Saturday, January 5, 2019, while holding my husband and feeling the comfort of my mother’s hand on my knee. The silence after his arrival was deafening as the nurses took him to be cleaned up and swaddled. I was so overwhelmed, reconciling the fact I wouldn’t get to bring my son home, that I didn’t realize my midwife was frantically trying to stop my post-birth bleeding. They called in the OB, and a flurry of action began. I lay despondent on the bed trying to prepare myself to meet my dead son. I sensed the urgency in the room escalating as the bleeding continued and intensified. My midwife’s hands were a blur as they worked to stop the bleeding.  I began feeling weaker, and I felt the life slowly slipping from me.

I started a conversation with God in my head as I lay surrounded by hospital staff. “You took my son, Lord. You might as well take me too.” I closed my eyes, and felt a warmth spreading from my chest and seeping into every possible inch of my body. God’s love literally washed over me, and I was pulled from the depths of the deepest despair I have ever known. I saw my son Wesley smiling in the sunshine. I heard the sounds of my husband humming the silly tunes he comes up with. I was rescued from the darkest place I have ever been. God reminded me of some of the reasons He still had me here. It wasn’t my time to join Him and Owen in heaven yet.

After the bleeding was under control, we got to see our sweet Owen. I was filled with dread imagining how different he would look since he was stillborn. Instead, a sob of joy escaped me as they placed him in my arms. He was complete and absolute perfection. Owen had his brother’s nose, rosebud lips, a head full of dark hair, and the chubbiest cheeks I have ever seen. He even had a small freckle birthmark along his hairline. Even though he was gone from us, he still had the precious, new baby smell. I am forever grateful for the hours we spent holding him, tracing the lines of his face, and etching every detail possible into memory. The photos taken during that time are my most prized possessions.

The days, weeks, and months following Owen’s death have presented a plethora of emotions. I am completely heartbroken, but my faith in God’s plan for my family has given me hope. Owen’s short but sweet life has changed mine forever.

I have learned so much about compassion for others through my suffering. I have also learned that trusting God doesn’t mean you trust Him to give you what you hope for. Instead, it means fully trusting that His plan for you is greater than anything you could imagine for yourself. God doesn’t promise us a life without tribulations. What He does promise us is that He will walk with us through them. I will see my sweet baby again one day. Until then, I will do my best to ensure that Owen’s life serves a meaningful purpose by bringing those who loved him closer to God and spreading the good news of God’s love to others. I will love and remember my sweet baby every day for the rest of my life.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.”
Psalm 91:4

Jesus follower – Wifey – Momma of Two Boys (one in heaven) – Avid Reader – Nature Enthusiast

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.