Anna’s Story

Before our fifth pregnancy, my husband and I always had the motto, “However many kids the Lord wants us to have.” But when we got pregnant with our fifth child, my husband told me that he believed this would be our last child. I agreed, and the Lord gave me peace in my heart that it was the right decision for our family.

My pregnancy was great, like all of my previous pregnancies had been, and as the time grew closer to our daughter’s arrival, we prepared for her as best as we could. As I went to bed, two days shy of being forty weeks, my husband put his hand on my belly because the baby was moving as she usual did. He moved his hand down near her head, and she started hitting his hand with hers. I told her she was saying, “Hi Papa.” We both chuckled, smiled, said, “I love you” to her, and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I awoke to many signs indicating that she had already gone to be with Jesus. I noticed bodily changes, I felt no movement from her, and I just felt different—things I had never experienced with any of my other children. The doctor confirmed that afternoon what I never wanted to utter out loud. Our precious Phoebe Madalyn had died in my womb. The tears flowed as I prepared myself to meet my husband to tell him the news. As I stepped off the elevator to walk through the parking lot, I remember feeling the Holy Spirit speaking to me through my sobs, “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

The next week was overwhelming as we trudged through decisions no mama or papa should ever have to make in such a short amount of time, things I was never prepared to think about, let alone be forced to decide upon in the here and now—her burial, the obituary and funeral proceedings, who to allow in the hospital room with us, and how to tell your closest people that your daughter had died. The list went on and on. I left the hospital after her birth with empty arms and a hollow heart.

The grief was overwhelming. I wanted to wallow and fully give in to the grief, but I couldn’t. I had four other children depending on me to provide for their emotional and physical needs and help them work through their own different stages of grief. Swimming head first into high tide without being able to come up for air doesn’t even begin to describe the mountain of grief, sorrow, and deep agony I felt in those beginning days and months. Had it not been for God’s grace and comfort displayed in an amazing array of ways, I would not have been strong enough to get through it.

My husband, first and foremost, was a physical rock for me through it all. He is the only one here on earth that fully understood my grief, sorrow, pain, and myriad of other emotions this tragedy has taken me through. His understanding, physical presence, and never-ending openness to any emotion I had that resulted from me missing our daughter, calmed me. God worked mightily through my husband. He offered me the space to talk through my emotions, gave me Scripture when I needed it, and always pointed me to God’s faithfulness and goodness, even when I couldn’t see or feel it.

God also used our church family to bless us in the midst of our grief. They provided us with meals, helped out by taking care of our kids when we needed it, and simply asked us how we were doing through it all.

He has used His Word to help me get through this sorrow by allowing me to understand Him and His purposes in a new way. I truly would not know the Lord like I do now if I had not gone through such a tragedy. I mimic Job’s heart in Job 42:5 as he speaks to God, “I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.” God’s Word comforted my soul afresh and helped me to be more understanding of other women going through grief.

Shortly after Phoebe died, I joined a Bible study on the book of Hebrews by Jen Wilkin with women I had not met before. Through the study, I was able to share my pain and grief over losing Phoebe, and found out that I was not alone—there was another woman in the study who had also had a stillborn baby. I was also introduced to Hope Mommies when one of this woman’s friends sent me a Hope Box.

God has blessed me with opportunities to speak about Phoebe’s short but meaningful life, and to use my story to point others to the Gospel. I ask for many opportunities to share Phoebe’s life with others because it is my desire to glorify and honor God through her story. God has given me courage to be bold in sharing our story, even when others have felt uncomfortable.

It’s been almost two years since Phoebe went to be with the Lord. I still grieve her loss and miss her terribly, but I grieve with the hope that one day I’ll see her again and dance around God’s throne with her, praising our Savior forevermore.

I am a homeschooling mama to Zoe, Elijah, Ayris, and Judah; Hope Mommy to Phoebe Madalyn (#5) and rainbow mama to Serah (#6). My husband, Scott, and I call Green Bay, WI, home, and we enjoy playing outside with the kiddos and taking trips to Milwaukee whenever we can. I love women’s Bible studies, coffee and sewing.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.