Kaley’s Story

I have felt the pull on my heart to share my story. I have tried to avoid it, but over and over the Lord is pushing me to share what He is teaching me. 

Last March, after more than a year of trying to start a family, we found out I was pregnant. While I was excited, something seemed to keep me from being overly excited. Then, a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. 

I was angry and heartbroken. I felt embarrassed and confused. Mostly, I was in pain. I took multiple showers, because laying on the floor of my shower until the hot water ran out was the best comfort I could find. My tears flowed with the shower water, and the only words I could utter were “God you’re still good.” Although I believe this now and believed it then, in those moments I had to verbalize those words over and over in order to remind myself of their truth. 

A little over two months later, I was about to start new medicine and had to take a pregnancy test before being able to start the medication. It was positive. I was floored. “What a miracle,” we kept thinking. After going to the doctor, I was told it was “a picture perfect start to a pregnancy.” We waited two more weeks and went back to hear the heartbeat. But the baby had stopped growing at some point between the two appointments, and we could not find a heartbeat. I was angry. I felt embarrassed. I kept asking, “Why can’t my body just work right?” 

My husband and I both struggled to reconcile the thought of this “cool” story and miracle we thought we were living by having this “accidental” pregnancy happen after the first miscarriage. We were supposed to be able to show how amazing God is, and show others how He answers prayers and works beyond our understanding. We were supposed to give a picture of how He has control, works in His timing, surprises us, and works beyond doctors.

Oh, wait.
We still have to share that story.

It’s still truth.

I was writing in my journal, “Lord, I thought this was our miracle story we would get to share.” I can’t say I heard His voice, but I can say I had an overwhelming phrase keep going over and over in my head, “It still is. I AM.“

Around the same time, I said to some friends, “I’m tired of this being my story.” But before the day was over, I realized how untrue that was. I’m tired. But this is my story, and it isn’t finished being written. 

This year marks one of the hardest chapters of my story—filled with bitter days. But what has never stopped being true is that God is good. He is the God who remembers. He remembers my joys, my prayers, my hopes, and my darkest days. He remembers and knows because He has been there the whole time.

After the second miscarriage, I inhaled Sara Hagerty’s book, “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet.” She walks readers through moments of trial and pain in her life, and shows how the Lord was always there. She read Psalms over and over because she didn’t know what to pray, but she felt called to be obedient to her relationship with the Lord.

When I didn’t know what to pray, I repeated the theme from Daniel 3: Even if He does not do what I want Him to, He is still good. Through this loss and time of waiting, I am confident in saying, “He is good to me.” This bitter time has brought an insatiable desire to be in the Lord’s presence, and I don’t want to forget this feeling. This longing. This sweetness.

“One who is full loathes honey, but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet.”
Proverbs 27:7

“I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”
Psalm 27:13 (NIV)

These verses have been my anthem this year. Yes, I’ll see the Lord’s goodness in eternity, but thankfully, I get to see it now, in the land of the living, even—no, especially—in these hard days. 

He is the God with a reputation that no one else can touch (just read some of His miracles in Matthew). Whether my story unfolds in the way that I see fit or in the way that I want it to now, His reputation is enough for me. These truths are enough reason for me to have faith.

My loss, heartbreak, and waiting have brought me to my knees in prayer over and over. If the only reason I go through this—whether I ever have children on this earth or not—is to remind me of God’s goodness and to remind me of my need of Him, then this will all be worth it. 

I am a follower of Jesus who is thankful to also be a wife, sister, daughter, and friend. My husband and I live in Memphis, Tennessee with our two pups. I am a teacher, avid reader, and lover of travel.

 

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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