Wrestle Humbly

Paul reminds us in his letter to the church in Thessalonica that we do “not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13). But what exactly does that mean? In this series, we explore what it looks like to honor God in our grief and examine the ways we can choose to grieve with hope.

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Two pink lines appear and instantly your world changes forever. You begin dreaming of this new life, the precious tiny clothes, the new laughter, and the joy that will fill your home. Your heart swells with love for this child. In an instant your world is brighter. 

But then, in another instant your world becomes dark. Your hopes and dreams of a growing family shatter as you hear the news that there is no heartbeat. You are crushed when the delivery room remains silent. You are overcome with sorrow as you feel your sweet little one take their last breath. 

Then the grief comes.

It enters in and settles into the deepest parts of your soul. It seems as though it is here to stay, here to define your future self. You have experienced an incredible loss, and it is indeed worthy of grieving, worthy of the tears and sorrow. However, if you are in Christ, you do not grieve as everyone else does. As Paul states in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, you grieve with hope—hope that you will one day be reunited with your child in heaven because of Jesus’ all-sufficient sacrifice on the cross and ultimate defeat of death. You have a hope that God will not leave you in this pit of grief.

Grief brings so many foreign emotions and thoughts into your life. Not only are you dealing with the searing pain of losing your child, but you may also begin to question God, struggling to reconcile His goodness, love, and mercy with the loss. The questioning can leave you confused and feeling utterly isolated. It can lead many to be angry with God and push Him away.

However, let me assure you, sweet sister, that the wrestling you do with God in this season—the deep thought, searching, and crying out—are all ways that God will use your grief to draw you near to Him. He is indeed a loving Father that welcomes your questions, thoughts, and feelings, but it is imperative to have a humble posture when doing so. So, how do you humbly wrestle with God?

Acknowledge His Sovereignty

It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you know best. Perhaps you’ve found yourself asking, “Why did You take her so soon? Why didn’t You heal him? Didn’t You hear my prayers for a healthy baby?” This line of questioning is normal for any grieving parent. It’s normal in our finite, human minds to feel like a different outcome, an outcome in which your arms weren’t empty, would have been best. Humility requires a different mindset, however. It requires an acknowledgment of His ultimate wisdom and authority over all creation. In this space, we need to remember that God has perfect wisdom. God spoke though Isaiah about His infinitely higher ways. 

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8, 9

Your grieving heart needs this truth to cling to. When it feels as though your world is crumbling, and you have lost all solid footing, you can rest assured that He is still in complete control. Remind yourself that, although the incredibly painful journey you are on is not one you would have chosen, God sees the full, eternal picture of His glorious plan for your life and the life of your baby. 

Lay Your Pain and Confusion Before Him

God invites you to lay all of your burdens, including your doubts and pain, at the foot of His throne. He will be faithful to hear your humble pleas and questions as you seek comfort and wisdom. Questioning God with faith opens the door for deeper communion with Him and allows the Holy Spirit to begin healing your hurts. God is intimately aware of your pain, sweet sister. Choose to be vulnerable with God and fully expose your doubts and pain to Him. Choosing to fully open yourself up to Him invites Him in to move. This process in grieving is invaluable as you allow God to work through the pain while increasing your faith and trust in Him. 

“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
Psalm 62:8

Leave Room for God to Answer

Once you have asked the tough questions and put your hurts before God, be prepared to wait. Wait patiently for Him to speak, for Him to move, for Him to make His presence known and felt. Dig deep into His Word. Ask friends to pray on your behalf, especially when you can’t find the energy or words to pray yourself. You have also been given the Holy Spirit whom the Bible promises will intercede on your behalf when you don’t know how to pray.

“Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.”
Romans 8:26-27

The waiting is hard when your heart is so raw, but this precious time is a gift that God will use to strengthen you and your relationship with Him. He is already writing a beautiful story for you, dear sister.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.”
Psalms 40:1-3

Confession and Repentance

At this moment, you might find yourself asking, “Did I have the correct posture when I approached the throne? Was a truly humbling myself before the Almighty Father?” If so, take heart and know that you are not alone. So many grieving hearts have felt they didn’t deserve the path they were put on. So many have thought they knew the best plan for their lives, negating God’s very best plan.

God graciously gave us Job as an example of a grieving parent and what to do if we find ourselves with this mindset. The Bible tells us that Job was a “blameless and upright man that feared God and turned away from evil (Job 1:1). God allowed Job to be tested, and Satan took everything away from him—his wealth, his family, and his health. Job worships the Lord through all his suffering, but then a shift occurs as he begins to focus inwardly and question God’s justice and goodness.

He slips in his grief, and, for a moment, fails to fully acknowledge that God’s ways are infinitely higher. At the conclusion of the story, we see a beautiful reconciliation of the relationship between God and Job once Job unconditionally surrenders himself to God’s will. He admits his sinful posture towards God and fully repents.

“Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42: 3, 5-6

What a blessing it is to know that just as God forgave Job, He will forgive you if you have approached Him with a haughty heart. 

God’s ways are infinitely higher, and it is hard to not fully understand His plan. But you can rest assured, He still welcomes your questions. He may never answer them all on this side of heaven, but I have full faith that He will reveal pieces of His plan to you along the way. He will give you a new song to sing as you keep seeking, trusting, and leaning in. 

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Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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