Laurel’s Story

My husband, Josh, and I have two wonderful boys—Jackson who is five and Reid who is three. They were both born after easy and uncomplicated pregnancies. I had always wanted several children. Though Josh was reluctant, after Reid was born, he agreed our family wasn’t yet complete. In the fall of 2015, I had gone through stressful changes at work, but decided the time was as good as any to expand our family. I found out I was pregnant with our third child around Thanksgiving, and the first ultrasound at 6 weeks was normal. However, by the time we shared the news with our families at Christmas, I couldn’t shake a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I felt too well. I was eating fine, and had none of the intense nausea I’d had with the previous two pregnancies. I had joked rather boldly with my husband and our families that we were either having a girl or we were going to lose the baby. It may not have been the best coping mechanism for my worries, but I also knew I needed to be honest about what may be ahead for our family.

I saw my obstetrician on January 18, 2016, for my 12-week appointment. After I told her I was feeling too well, she asked me point blank if I felt like I was pregnant. My heart stopped for a second—I had to admit I truly did not. It was heartbreaking to say those words out loud. Unfortunately, the ultrasound confirmed what I had feared. There was no heartbeat and it looked like the baby was about 10 weeks in size. I was shocked. I shared the news that night with my family and that was when it really hit me—we’d lost our precious baby. I didn’t know how to grieve this loss except to cry, pray, and listen to “Oceans” by Hillsong United over and over again. I struggled to understand why this had happened, and tried to figure out where God was calling me to go. I struggled to manage my grief at work because I so often felt such intense feelings—it became difficult to care for my patients. I am a palliative care physician, and I care for people with serious illness. Most of the people I care for in the hospital are nearing the end of life. Their grief is intense, my grief is intense, and it was hard to feel like I could help my patients find hope in their grief when I was struggling to find it in my own. Over time I realized that these intense emotions could be used in two ways: I could ignore my emotions and avoid bonding with my patients, or I could embrace my grief and provide better care for my patients. I chose the latter and began to find comfort in grieving with my patients—both of us facing difficult questions we could not answer, and choosing hope in the midst of grief. Frequently, my patients are teaching me more about leaning on the strength of God in the midst of suffering than I am teaching them!

During those months, I made time to strengthen my relationship with God. My husband and I also worked hard to take care of each other and devote time to our children. I found out I was pregnant again in September 2016. Unfortunately, the first ultrasound showed a low heart rate, and the baby was smaller than expected. I just felt shocked and numb—wondering how this could be happening again. I tried to take refuge in God’s love again. Even though I know He was there; I just felt numb. My doctor wanted to see me back in a week, but within a few days all my symptoms of pregnancy were gone. I was pretty sure I had lost the baby, but I was hoping the follow-up ultrasound would prove me wrong.

As I look back on this time, I still wonder how this suffering fits into God’s plans for me. I don’t have any answers, but I knew even through the numbness I had to trust God. Right before my ultrasound, I had partaken in believer’s baptism to publicly profess my faith in Jesus. It was a difficult experience to be openly professing my love for God while facing a second devastating miscarriage. The first miscarriage brought me closer to God, and now I had difficulty understanding God’s goodness with this second loss. Before these questions wore too heavily on me, God put Hope Mommies in my path. It has been immensely healing to be with women who understand the pain, acknowledge the unanswerable questions that come from loss like this, and who anchor their hope in God.

After the second loss, we agreed to testing to see if we could identify why this was happening. The only abnormal test was one for thyroid antibodies suggesting I may have Hashimoto’s disease, but my actual thyroid function was fine. Because the endocrinologist I saw didn’t feel like there was anything to treat, and the only information the medical literature provided was “an increased risk of miscarriage,” we decided we would seek God’s will and try again—possibly for the last time. When we found out in January 2017 I was pregnant, my doctor recommended some medications to try to help the pregnancy—for my “advanced maternal age.” My first ultrasound looked good, and I began to feel the normal nausea and food aversions. I was hopeful, but cautiously so. Unfortunately, I woke up on February 11, and felt great. It was like a light switch had flipped, and I knew I’d lost the baby. My next appointment wasn’t for several days, and I knew I couldn’t wait that long to confirm what I already knew. On February 13, the ultrasound revealed the baby had no heartbeat. This time genetic studies were sent after my procedure, and we learned this baby had Trisomy 16, a genetic defect not compatible with life.

We also learned she was a girl. We named her Ella Rose, which was a name I had chosen six years earlier as we prepared to welcome our first child. We named our previous two babies Hayden and Lane. I miss my babies every day, and can’t wait to meet them when that day finally comes. In the meantime, my husband and I find joy in our two thriving boys. We love them more deeply and more deliberately than before we lost their siblings. I also continue to find meaning and hope in my job as I care for and share in the grief experience with my patients. Together we seek hope in the journey we are walking in this life. I am constantly amazed that in the midst of anger, grief, and sadness, there can be so much joy, hope, and love. How, when, or if we have more children remains only known to God. I find confidence knowing my hope is in God, His plans for me and my family are purposeful and good, and He will make straight my path (Proverbs 3:6).

I am happily married to Josh, Mom to two silly and wonderful boys (Jackson and Reid), and Hope Mom to our precious ones we long to hold (Hayden, Lane and Ella Rose).

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.