Are You There God?
Okay, I have a confession: I’ve never read the classic “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.” I know! This is especially hard for some people to hear and comprehend when they find out that I have my degree in English and Literature. It’s the truth though; I’ve never read the book. I’ll go over there and hang my head in literary shame.
But I asked the question, “Are you there God?” a number of times during the weeks and months after my daughter, my firstborn, was born and died in the same moment. Our daughter, Charlotte Ann, was born December 30, 2014 at 4:22am after twelve hours of labor that included three hours of pushing. My pregnancy was, for all intents and purposes, boring, and my labor progressed just as it should have. There was never a worry about me or my daughter, and at that very last push she was born. The code was called before I could even be wheeled out of the room. Twenty-eight minutes later, my husband had to make the awful call to have the doctors stop working on getting a pulse. He came and told me, “Charlotte is with Jesus now.” as I looked at my midwife, who was still stitching me up at the end of the bed, completely confused.
No one knew what had gone wrong. There, seemingly, was nothing wrong with her. My dark Italian hair with my husband’s Norwegian blue eyes. She was perfect. A few months later, we finally were told that she had a heart condition: idiopathic constriction of the fetal ductus arteriosus. Basically, the valve in the heart that is supposed to close after being born closed in utero. Not good. There was no way for us to have known previously, and even if we had known, there was little to no chance of survival once it had closed.
So, I’ve asked that question, and recently I answered it. I was going through my Instagram and saw a post from Hope Mommies. The post declared that God is more than what we need. A fellow follower asked, “If God is more than enough, where is He in my chaos right now?”
Legitimate question if you ask me. This world seems to have a special talent to take our pain and spin and twist it so it seems like there isn’t any way that we could possibly untangle it.
All I could say to this hurting woman was, “Right where you are.” And He is. And He will forever be right where you are.
He was right there as you laid, stood, walked, rocked, or bounced through all that pain of labor. He was there as you felt like you couldn’t push anymore; just have to have another contraction force you into not giving up and giving yet another push. He was there when your little one came into the world only to not be long for this world. He was there with the doctors. He was there with the nurses (praise Jesus for those nurses). He was there as you left with all your belongings, but without your baby. He was there when you picked out the casket and flowers and wrote the obituary.
He is there when you can’t get out of bed. He is there when you are lying on the floor of the empty nursery, screaming like only an animal or a grieving mother can. He is there as you pick yourself up off the floor. He is there when someone slips and says something insensitive like, “Oh, you’ll understand once you have children.”
He wants to hear from you friend. He wants to hear the pain, the hurt, the fear, the anger. He wants to take it all from you. He can handle it. As we all know, far too well, we cannot. We’ve heard people say, “If it were me, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.” But, you realize we must. He is the only way we can keep going. We are not “moving on” but rather we are “moving forward.” Moving forward to the day where we are taken home and can see our babies again.
Until then, we trust God with the gifts He has given to us, even if it was just for a moment. Trust, my sweet friend, that your baby is where he or she is the safest they could ever be. Our babies are the happiest they could ever be. They will never feel the pain of heartbreak. They will never be unable to sleep. They are with the Provider, Redeemer, Healer, Bride-Groom, and Protector. The One who pictured them as He hung on the cross and said, “It is finished.”
He did that for you, too. He wants your pain. He wants your sadness. He wants your confusion. He wants to give you peace. He wants to give you joy. He wants to give you wisdom. Will you let Him?
- Kerri
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Kristen Marshall
December 6, 2015 (1:47 pm)
I have seen God every step of the way through my grief. He has brought me unimaginable peace and comfort.
Becca
December 6, 2015 (2:05 pm)
God continually has shown me how much he loves me and pursues me even when I am angry and don’t want to listen to him.
Shay
December 6, 2015 (2:56 pm)
Ever since I was introduced to Hope Mommies 4 years ago this coming January, this has been something I have to live by. Hope anchors the soul. Though anything, whether it’s loss or just life, hope always anchors the soul
Rachel
December 6, 2015 (3:25 pm)
So thankful that He is walking through my grief with me. So often my human mind concludes that he is aloof and will graciously “handle” my grief when I bring it to him but isn’t bothered with it the rest of the time. But this is such a good reminder that He is there, feeling it all, walking through it all, hurting with me. The truth is that losing my babes helped me to understand the depth of my brokenness and the value of redemption in a way I never did before. Thankful.
Krystie
December 6, 2015 (4:18 pm)
This past year has been the hardest year of my life after losa my Luke. We have had to lean on God to get us they this difficult season of our life and become stronger in our faith. We are so thankful to the page Goe Mommies, they have been so supportive and gracious with gifts!
Jerrie
December 6, 2015 (4:26 pm)
I am new to this and everything. We lost our girl just a short 3 months ago. I see signs and hear God a little more and more each day
Lisa
December 6, 2015 (5:22 pm)
I would never have been able to survive the loss of my 3 babies without the grace and strength of our Lord.
Cres
December 6, 2015 (5:26 pm)
Absolutely love what Hope Mommies has done for me during my time of grieving. It will definitely be a part of my life forever.
Lauren
December 6, 2015 (9:07 pm)
I have seen God in the way my story helps other women who had stillbirths and miscarriages in the past but haven’t been able to grieve to finally begin the grieving process. I have seen Him in the peace that enters my heart after I text a friend to pray for me on my hard days and they immediately pray. His grace has carried me through six months of grief and two lost babies and will continue to carry me.
B
December 6, 2015 (9:19 pm)
I’m so greatful for the encouragement of Hope Mommies near and far!
Elyse
December 6, 2015 (11:13 pm)
I have seen God in the care and compassion from my husband, our families, and especially my HM friends. “Friends are God’s way of taking care of us.” Couldn’t be more true!
Shelly C
December 7, 2015 (1:49 am)
I see God in the little things He sprinkles in my life. We’ve lost 3 but I’ll share about the one we lost in December 2 years ago. We lost early so we don’t know what gender our babies were. I needed some way to relate to them, some way I could keep them from slipping from others memories. So I asked God to give me words that I could use to represent them. Our December baby is our Love baby and I use red hearts to symbolize him/her in my day to day life. When I’m really struggling I go for walks, I’ve always connect to God more in nature and without fail I’ll see a heart somewhere; a leaf, in the clouds, on a prickly pear cactus, even in a tiny hole in the sidewalk. God has been so faithful to me in this way and most of the time it makes up for the feelings of loneliness that miscarriage brings.
Jennifer
December 7, 2015 (3:12 am)
God so graciously has been patient with me as I wrestled through my grief and my questions. Hope Mommies has been such a strong force to point me to Him more clearly.
Jen
December 7, 2015 (3:36 am)
I would not be where I am not without Hope Mommies! I am so thankful for this group and for the people I have met! 💗
Jen
December 7, 2015 (3:37 am)
I am so thankful for this group and for the people I have met! 💗
Kate
December 7, 2015 (3:54 am)
I am thankful for this group and the people I have met over the past few months
Kayla Didier
December 7, 2015 (4:30 am)
Such great companies with beautiful products involved in these giveaways! Thank you Hope Mommies for doing this!
Leah
December 7, 2015 (4:55 am)
I have seen God in every step, in every breath, in every bit of “moving forward” after losing our daughter. I can’t imagine going through what we did without the Lord upholding and sustaining me through it all.
Ashlee Schmidt
December 7, 2015 (6:05 am)
Congratulations Rachel! You have won our Day 6 Giveaway! Please check your e-mail tomorrow for further instructions on how to receive these items!
And thank you for everyone who participated!
Continue to follow the blog over the next 6 days for a chance to win one of our other giveaways in this 12 Days of Christmas series! We’re only halfway through!