Guilt + Grief: Am I Grieving Enough?
I sat in my kitchen with a friend whose baby lived for only five weeks. “It’s been five years. When will I stop grieving the loss of my son? Shouldn’t I be finished grieving?” I asked.
She looked at me for a few seconds and I saw a memory flash across her face. “I remember on my son’s 8th birthday going through the whole day before I realized what day it was. I felt so guilty for ‘missing’ his birthday. I was overwhelmed with guilt for not remembering—for ‘moving on.’ I felt so guilty for grieving for so long and then I felt guilty for not remembering to grieve. Grief is a weird thing,” She replied.
Grief is a weird thing. I was feeling guilty for grieving too much and my friend felt guilty for forgetting to grieve—for not grieving enough.
There are whole books, articles, and podcasts about “how to grieve well.” I remember telling a friend I wanted to make sure I grieved well. I wanted to feel every emotion so I could move through the grieving process quickly and get on with my life. Oh, what I wish I could tell my naïve self in the early days of my grief.
Am I grieving enough or too much?
Grief cannot be measured. Nor should it be compared to others’ grief. Some people talk about their babies and have remembrance ceremonies. Some rarely mention their loss. Some take the nurseries down immediately and some leave them untouched for years. Some share their baby pictures and some keep them tucked away forever.
In the Bible, King David fasted, prayed, and grieved while his son was sick and dying. When his son died after seven days, he got up, took a bath, worshiped the Lord, and had a meal. People around him questioned his actions and wondered why he didn’t continue to grieve as he had been doing. Those around him didn’t think he was grieving enough. I imagine he continued to grieve the rest of his life—just differently.
Even sisters grieve differently. I recently noticed something new about a story I’ve heard all of my life. John 11:17-37 tells the story of Lazarus dying and his sisters—Mary and Martha—grieving his loss. After three days of Lazarus being in the grave, Jesus arrived. When Martha got word that Jesus was coming into town, she jumped up and ran to meet Him. As she walked with Him, she poured out her grief and peppered Him with questions and comments.
Mary stayed in the house allowing friends and family to comfort her. She quietly mourned at home with loved ones.
Martha ran back to get Mary. When Mary saw Jesus, she fell down at Jesus’ feet weeping.
The two sisters grieved very differently. Martha ran after Jesus. Mary stayed at home. Martha questioned Jesus. Mary wept at his feet.
Jesus responded with compassion and sympathy to both sisters.
You cannot grieve too much or not enough. Every person’s grief journey is different. The most important thing to do is to grieve with the Lord. David worshiped the Lord at the height of his grief. Mary and Martha sought out Jesus in their grief—though each of their responses to grief were different.
Dear grieving mama, I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve as little or as much as you feel is necessary. Do not allow the lying, untrustworthy voice of guilt to creep in and say you should grieve more or less. Lean into Jesus and trust Him to carry you through your grief. Grief is a burden but Jesus offers us hope.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:30
- Shelly
Hope Mom to Zachary Robert
Shelly D. Templin is an author, speaker and blogger that shares a message of hope—with humor. She has three daughters, a son-in-law, and a granddaughter. Shelly lives in Texas with her husband, Jack, of 29 years and their two dogs.
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