Where Were You?

After my loss at 18 weeks, I found myself unable to listen to Christian music or hymns without bursting into tears, and my voice couldn’t find the strength to utter any of the words. It was just so hard to sing “it is well with my soul” when my soul hadn’t healed. As the entire church sang “Good Good Father” my harsh reality seemed in stark contrast to the joyous noise surrounding me. You bet I believed those words, but my wound was still so raw. 

I knew God was good, even though I didn’t feel any bit good at the time. I hoped if I said, “God is good” in my head enough times that my feelings would eventually catch up. After all, feelings are not always good indicators of truth. 

I still had so many questions, I felt slightly abandoned, and I was hurt. I would read through every sad story in the Bible to find kindred spirits of brokenness—Lamentations, some of the Psalms, and especially the book of Job. What I learned was that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling and to take my anguish, my frustration, and my hurt to God. 

Job dished out some pretty big questions to God following his tremendous losses, and you read the biblical account of his story, you can feel his indignation welling up with each word. Did God instantly banish Job or punish him? No. God was big enough to take on all of Job’s biggest feelings, and He swiftly reminded Job of that. 

When Job was finished, God replied with a list of “where were you when’s.” The Lord’s questions for Job ranged from the cosmic scale— “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? (Job 38:4)—to the intimately detailed— “Can you hunt prey for the lions and ravens? Do you know when a mountain goat gives birth? (Job 38:39-39:3)—reassuring Job that the God of the universe, who holds everything in His hands, also held him. 

Three and a half years after my loss, I stumbled upon the song “Where Were You” by Ghost Ship. The entire song is basically the story of Job. My favorite verse in the song, referencing Job 42:3, comes at the very end:

I spoke of things I didn’t understand
Things too wonderful for me
Although I had no right to ask
My God knelt and answered me

God allows us to bring our frustration and sadness, and even anger, to Him. And the beauty is not that He simply allows it, but that our big, big God is willing to be intimate enough with us to kneel down to our level and answer us. We might not get the specific answers to our “why’s” but we will get the answer that God sees and hears us.

I started to be able to listen to music and not cry around a year and a half after my loss, and shortly after that, my voice found the ability to freely and loudly offer praise to God once again. But when I found this song, I felt like I had heard my journey put to music. So mama, if it’s hard for you to sing right now, that’s okay. Take your feelings to the God of the universe who will hear you and will see you, the God who is able to heal, transform, and redeem it all. 

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Sarah Padilla is a mom, wife, and dance teacher from Magnolia, Texas. She’s been married to her high school sweetheart, Kyle, for nearly eight years. They have a two-year-old son named Kirk and two babes in heaven.

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