Finding Joy in the Sorrow

The year 2018 was a very hard year for my husband and me. We were pregnant with our sixth child. The pregnancy was filled with unknowns and anxiety, and at 34-weeks, our baby was born into the arms of Jesus. I knew that the road ahead would be the hardest one I had walked yet.

I spent eight weeks on maternity leave. Maternity leave is supposed to be a time for you to bond with your baby and heal physically. But my maternity leave was different. I think of it as my silent maternity leave. As some of you can relate, there’s nothing silent in a household with five children. But for me, that’s what this season felt marked by—silence. There was no crying baby or late night feedings.

I knew I needed to heal physically, but I also needed emotional healing. So I sought comfort through prayer and reading Gods Word. I read through the entire book of Psalms during the eight weeks I was home. The poetry of Psalms helped me find the words I couldn’t speak myself. I can honestly say that, throughout this trial, I never stopped praising God. In fact, it led me to praise Him even more. 

My favorite passage during this time, was one that our pastor shared with us in the hospital. We read these verses at our daughter’s funeral, and we had them engraved on her headstone:

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Psalms 139:13-14 ESV

As life went on, I struggled. I felt forgotten and hurt by people who had acted as if my daughter didn’t exist. I was confused and angry. But I realized I was being unfair; my support and comfort must come from God. He hadn’t forgotten about her or me. He understood me and my grief, even when I couldn’t understand it myself.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18

I can look back at these trials and know that I trusted in God—believing with my whole heart that He was in control of every situation. But that doesn’t mean that I was perfectly put together all the time. Quite the opposite, in fact. A friend and coworker always admired and complimented my strength and faith. But I had to tell her that I was just as much of a hot mess as anyone else. 

I would walk into each doctor’s appointment filled with anxiety and fear. There were days where the uncertainty of our future and our baby’s future threatened to swallow me up, and days when doubt filled my mind.. When she was taken from me, I was bitter. I wanted to meet her so badly, even if it was only for a few minutes. I would walk around the house in a complete fog, not accomplishing anything. There are still days that I wonder what God’s purpose is in all of this.

The feelings weren’t wrong. It was simply the raw and honest condition of my heart. Instead of blaming God or letting my prayers grow silent, I chose to run to Him, asking for help and trusting that He would bring me through it. There were some days I didn’t know what to pray for, so I just prayed for strength and comfort. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 17 that faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. There were some days where that was all I could muster up—just a mustard seed dose of faith—but I realize now that’s all I needed. 

During a small group Bible study, a dear friend said, “Its not always easy to find joy in our suffering.” This is a statement I wouldn’t have really understood before I had experienced this grief. It’s not easy finding joy in our suffering. In fact, it’s really hard. We want life to be easy. But God doesn’t call us to an easy life. Jesus says in John 16:33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Jesus can help us find joy in our sorrow. Through Him, I found thankfulness in the small details. The majority of my time home during my maternity leave was spent with my kids who were also home on summer break. I got to spend the summer with these five little blessings who gave me the love and distraction I needed. They filled my silent maternity leave with anything but silence. 

I experienced God‘s love and comfort in a way I never had before. When I think on the year 2018, I’m filled with sadness and loss, but I’m also filled with thankfulness and love. I am so thankful that God carried us through that hard time—my heart swells with love for Him.

I’m thankful that instead of ripping my marriage and family apart, our loss made us stronger and caused us to lean on each other like we never had before. I’m thankful, most of all, for my sweet Lily. I get to be her mom. I got to carry her for 34 weeks, and I get to love her for the rest of my life. She is my constant reminder that this is not my home. 

I have hope that she is in the arms of Jesus Himself. I prayed and pleaded that the Lord would heal her, and He did—just not on this side of heaven. I know that I will hold my sweet girl again one day when I finally meet my heavenly Father in the great mansions in the sky. Oh! What a glorious day that will be. 

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.”
1 Thessalonians 4:13 ESV

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Kelly lives with her husband, Seth, in Iowa. They have seven children, six at home and one in heaven. She loves coffee, listening to worship music, and snuggling on the couch watching movies. And she loves her family and Jesus.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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