Saran’s Story

“A few months ago my life changed forever.

I was about 6 months pregnant with our first child, a baby boy named Riley, and up until this point it had been a smooth and happy pregnancy. I dealt with those typical pregnancy symptoms, and even though those can drive you crazy, the thought of becoming a mommy was the most beautiful gift that I could have ever been given. On January 17^th of this year, my husband and I both started having stomach pains before bed and we naturally thought it was probably something we ate. His pain was gone by morning but mine was intensifying. Nevertheless, I got up and got ready for work but was only there for a few minutes when I realized I couldn’t handle the pain and I called my doctor. His office staff told me to get to the hospital immediately. When I arrived, they wheeled me straight up to OB Triage and I was checked, only to hear the words that I was about 6 centimeters dilated and was in pre-term labor.

After my doctor started me on the dreaded magnesium drip and gave me and the baby a round of steroids, I was air-lifted to a hospital with an amazing NICU about 2 hours away because, as my doctor put it, this baby was coming ready or not. Once I arrived to the new hospital and was put in a labor and delivery room, everything started to calm down. I was feeling better and my contractions had stopped. They were able to hold me steady for a while, but one night I slowly but surely started having the contractions again. The doctor checked, but she could already feel the feet so we knew we would be meeting our son very quickly.

Sweet Riley Daniel was born on January 21, 2016 in an emergency C-Section in the middle of the night. It was painful and scary, but the joy of seeing our son made me weep in thanksgiving and praise to God.

Riley did really well upon his premature arrival into the world, and the doctors and nurses assured me that there was lots of hope for him. They even wheeled his little box back into the operating room to let me get a glance at him before taking him up to the NICU, which is apparently unheard of, but he had more weight to him than they originally thought and he was breathing well. His first few days in the NICU were emotionally draining and exhausting for us as parents, but he was doing so well. He was growing, and there weren’t too many major medical issues other than prematurity. There was a constant array of scans, tests, x-rays, etc., but they always came back clear.

Everything eventually took a turn for the worst. On February 12, day 23 of life, Riley’s kidneys started to shut down and Potassium built up in his body. His Potassium level was over a 9, which caused him to go into cardiac arrest, and on the next morning, February 13, we were told by the doctor that it was time to just hold our baby. It only took a couple of seconds for him to breathe his last earthly breath, but above all else I know that as I was holding his lifeless body- Jesus was holding me.

The next week we had a beautiful funeral for our sweet boy, and by the grace of God, I was able to sing and give the eulogy.

Thankfully I have a doctor that was willing to dig for some answers as to why my body might have gone into labor so prematurely, and after a test with a high-risk pregnancy specialist, it was discovered that I have a uterine anomaly which basically means that my uterus is shaped like a heart, instead of the normal triangular design. I also just had an MRI done to see the exact parameters of this anomaly, and to determine if a corrective surgery would be beneficial.

As I said before, the pain is still so raw and my emotions are sometimes overwhelming. There are days that I cannot stop the tears from flowing and my body is physically filled with anxiety that makes me feel suffocated. I have no idea why this is the journey that I was destined to travel, but I do know that nothing happens by mistake or oversight. God is big enough to handle our hurt, and even though it can be difficult, He wants us to trust Him with our grief. I can promise you that in any season of loss, if you will let Him into your heart, He will heal and restore all of the shattered pieces. He is such a good Father to His children, and He knows what He is doing.”

Saran lives in West Virginia, and is wife to Patrick and Hope mommy to Riley Daniel. They also have two kitties, Citi and Banjo, that they love. Saran is a medical receptionist, and in her spare time is actively involved in her music ministry- singing, writing, speaking, and teaching. She also loves makeup, organizing, cleaning, decorating, and spending as much time as possible with family!

Are you a writer?  Hope Mommies would love to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog.  Every Saturday we will be sharing another Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow.  If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose please send a draft between 800-1200 words to editor (at) hopemommies (dot) org.