Retreat Testimony {Calli’s Experience}

I am still in the midst of processing my weekend at the Hope Mommies Retreat 2015. There is so much I want to say, but I seem to be fumbling through my words when asked to describe my experience. Words can not fully portray what happened in mine and 50 other women’s hearts during our time together, so please be patient with me as I attempt to do so.

I was nervous and excited all at the same time when I made the commitment to attend the retreat which would occur just three short months after the loss of my precious daughter, Blair, at twenty weeks pregnant. I felt so vulnerable and fragile while being so unsure of what to expect. That was my first mistake, expecting. What I desire or expect is never comparable to what God has in store for me. So I tried to calm my nerves by showing up and not expecting anything out of the weekend away from my family.

I arrived and was welcomed with open arms and smiles, but these smiles were different than the ones I see in my hometown or at church. These smiles were like mine. Smiles that are seasoned in sorrow, smiles that are hopeful for restoration, smiles that can only come from the joy of The LORD. As we all gathered, introduced ourselves, and began the scheduled events it was a relief to know I would be with these women all weekend. It was a place I could say my daughter’s name over and over without receiving a wince or change of subject. Blair, Blair, Blair. It was a place I was asked over and over to tell my story and I never grew weary of it because for the first time people wanted to know the new me and how God formed my pain into beauty. It was a place where we could share our secrets without being asked if we needed medication. I sleep with the blanket we wrapped my daughter in after her birth, I have not washed it, and I can not sleep without it. It was a place where we could sit in silence and it not become awkward, we could just let our presence be enough for each other. We could cry or not cry and it never be too heavy because in the “real world” there seems to be times and places made for crying and not crying. I could go on and on with the things us Hope Mommies were able to do together that weekend that is our new normal, but not necessarily the world’s normal.

One moment that I had during worship is that while glorifying our Savior the voices were so beautiful coming from the mouths of women who all had different stories but all mourn for the same reason. I just wanted the pain to go away. I had my hands held high and asked Jesus to come. “Jesus come now, please.” I realized then that I am not sure I have ever asked that of Him. I have never asked Jesus to be so very close to me. In that moment I was able to omit all of my earthly loves and be beautifully blinded by the love I so deeply crave. His love. I guess that is the point, huh? Okay God, I hear you. Jesus didn’t come in that moment to take us all home, but He came and comforted, renewed and restored. Philippians 1:21 “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

I met amazing women who made me feel not so alone in this world, I made friendships that will last a lifetime, and I left there one step closer to Jesus and Blair. We grew, we healed, we mourned, we remembered, we wept, we loved, we interceded, and we found hopeful purpose.

I am so glad I decided to attend without expectations because God provided more than I knew was possible. I am also very grateful for the community I found in Hope Mommies and will commit to being a useful tool to connect other Hope Mommies I come in contact with to this Christ centered group who loves, guides and hopes together.